Feelin' Go'd

I really need to feel *good*. It's a matter of living. When the feelings inside me are not of a healing nature, my life is not being lived.

There has been nothing but sadness surrounding me lately. I'm ready to let that go. There has been resistance to releasing the sadness, and to displaying it outwardly toward others, but the only way to let it go is to release it. The only way out is through. I need to allow myself to be as I am and allow what is happening on a deeper, emotional level be what I am externally.

I've been investigating what needs to be done in order to allow myself to feel good. I need to be honest with myself about what I'm feeling. I can't hide behind sense pleasures in order to deny and avoid the feelings.

My chakras are out of balance—only slightly, but I've become so sensitive to when they're imbalanced that it's so noticeable. My second is over active and my sixth is underactive. They are two chakras that balance each other, so it makes sense to me that they are this way.

There was a time, not too long ago when I could feel each chakra balanced. I felt light, peaceful, confident… Lately I've been feeling only sadness, frustration, denial, tired, and I've been eating very unhealthy foods.

I'm ready for a shift. I NEED things to shift. I'm sending out the intentions allowing a shift to happen. I'm allowing myself to feel good, to feel balanced again. I give myself permission to do the things I know will help balance my chakras. Ready… go.

surrendering to what is

Yesterday I spent the majority of my day beside my mother in the hospital. It was nice spending time with her. She was alert, chatty and mostly upbeat. I remained calm, peaceful and as centered as possible to help her do the same. I occasionally shared Reiki with her, laying my hands on her feet or holding her hand—I massaged and moisturized her feet. Overall, it was a pleasant day. Upon leaving the hospital I noticed my body was heavy and my emotions began to rise to just below the surface… I was still feeling quiet and still, but physically heavy and drained.

Once settled at home, a simple hug from J began the release of the days repressed emotions, but it just scratched the surface, I knew something needed to be done to let the rest come out. I ate some pineapple, then got onto the yoga mat. J took out his guitar and his soul began speaking to mine through song as I twisted, stretched and moved my body.

I concentrated on hip opening poses, as they've proven to be the most effective for releasing my emotions. I deeply bent the front leg in the warrior poses while pulling my feet toward each other, engaging both my legs thoroughly. I really pushed myself. I wanted to feel it burn. I've experienced many emotional breakdowns while in half pigeon, and last nights experience was no different. The songs J was playing spoke to me so deeply and so emotionally that it really helped me dig into whatever I needed to release. A lot of fearful thoughts came and went… just passing through. I'd breathe deeper and louder and relax into each pose… I let it feel good.

"Good"… hehe. The inner masochist stretched me deeper and deeper… I wanted to feel something—the more I felt the better I felt. I'd lengthen on the inhale and stretch on the exhale, deeper and deeper into each pose. I felt more flexible than I have in a long time. My body lacked resistance, it just let itself stretch, bend and twist. My muscles weakened and shook, but that's exactly what I need to release.

I felt beautiful afterwards. Emotions still continued to trickle out, but I was at peace with what was.

Each time I have an experience like this, I'm reminds that life doesn't need to be so hard—that it's always possible to take a step back and experience it a little differently.

The light

I keep noticing this trend where I get myself into a light state of being, enjoy it briefly, then sabotage it in some way. Generally this happens subconsciously, but lately I've been becoming more aware of the process as it happens… though not yet aware enough to be stronger than it.

Today, for example, I had a bunch of bananas in a few smoothies, and drank more water than I usually do. I got myself to a yoga class, which I left feeling open, refreshed and clear-headed. I enjoyed the drive home, I was so in the moment that everything seemed perfect.

I get home, and what do I do? I make myself some mac & cheese & eat way too much of it. Now my body feels sluggish and dense—the clarity and stillness that I briefly experienced has waned.

I ask the universe to provide me with the strength and awareness to clearly see this process as it unfolds and to act in ways that provide me with a comfortable and healthy result.
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