Disorderly eating

According to Wiki, an eating disorder is characterized by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individuals physical and emotional health.

The three most common eating disorders are:
Binge eating
BulimiaAnorexia
By the definition above and what I've read about binge eating, I'd have to admit that I probably have an eating disorder whenever I'm in a phase of giving in to cooked foods. Eating meat, dairy and grains certainly cause my body pain, and I've gone over the emotional side of eating such foods in some of my recent posts. So, how do I stop?

I need to start thinking of my food intake seriously, and take a good close look at why I do the things I do. When I consider eating something, what is it that makes me want that, and how will I feel after consuming it? Do I still really want it? If so, why? And is it really true?

I only really feel comfortable with what I'm eating when I'm eating 100% raw vegan. These past few weeks I've been continuing to eat poorly, and my body is really hurting because of it. It's about time I really take a look at what I'm doing here…

These are the signs of Binge Eating Disorder:
• Periodically does not exercise control over consumption of food.
Yup—this will happen when I'm around almost any cooked food.

• Eats an unusually large amount of food at one time—more than a normal person would eat in the same amount of time.Perhaps this is true. When around cooked foods, I'll often find myself continuing to eat after my body has made it pretty clear that if I eat anymore I'm going to feel sick.

• Eats much more quickly during binge episodes than during normal eating episodes.
Yup—I'm not as aware and I feel like I'll never get enough. (Dr. Wayne Dyer's definition of an addiction says something like "never getting enough of something you don't want".)

• Eats until physically uncomfortable and physically feels like they're on the verge of throwing up due to the amount of food just consumed.
Yup—more often than not, when I'm eating cooked foods I feel like I'm going to be sick afterwards and I don't stop just because of that feeling.

• Eats when depressed, sad, or bored.
Doesn't everyone?

• Eats large amounts of food even when not really hungry.
Yeah… just because it's there, I'll eat it.

• Usually eats alone during binge eating episodes, in order to avoid discovery of the disorder.
Heh. I've been doing so well, I've been hiding it from myself! :(

• Often eats alone during periods of normal eating, owing to feelings of embarrassment about food.
I always prefer to eat alone. I feel a lot of judgement from people about the foods that I eat.

• Feels disgusted, depressed, or guilty after binge eating.
Yup.

So, that about says it all—every one of those symptoms pretty much sums up my relationship with cooked foods these days. I feel like an alcoholic who's finally given in and gone to their first AA meeting… Hi. My name is Kristen and I'm a cooked food addict.

Now to start the healing process… eating a grapefruit.

Judgement

I'm my own worst critic. I feel guilty when I eat something cooked, something with grain in it, or refined sugar… I judge myself for it, and then project those judgments into the thoughts of others—thinking that they too are judging me for the same thing, and I continue to feel guilty and ashamed. It's amplified if it actually appears as if others ARE judging me. I end up just diving deeper into a sort of self-hate because I ate something I *shouldn't* have.

For example, I just ate some cookies… some relatively natural cookies, without high fructose corn syrup or much of anything super terrible for me. But grain and refined sugars are 2 things that I've put onto the black list of foods that I shouldn't eat—foods that treat me poorly and don't love me back. So, now I feel guilty, and I feel like those around me look down on me for succumbing to eating them.

How do you all deal with this?

I think of the easy answer of "just don't eat the cookies". But that's so much easier said than done. Cooked food is an addiction to me, and it takes a LOT of will power for me to stay away from it. When I'm in a low-energy state of being, that will power just doesn't exist. It's like a downward spiral. I KNOW raw, living foods will give me the energy I need, but when I'm low energy, I don't necessarily *want* the energy. So I eat the cookies… then I get here. I'm hoping eventually I'll get sick of this cycle and stop hurting myself like this…

I'm learning a lot lately about how eating foods that don't love me affects my emotional state of mind. It's a rough process that I need to work through to fully understand. I'm slowly learning that eating foods that are not ideal for my body harms much more than just my digestion. I'm an integrated being—body, mind and spirit. What affects one, affects all 3 parts of the whole.

Climbing back up…

I’m not sure what happened to me… but I feel like lately I’ve been eating worse than I have in the last 2 years… I became a vegetarian 2 years ago, then began incorporating more and more raw foods, then cut out dairy… but something snapped in me like 2 weeks ago—I began eating a typical SAD diet for dinner… greasy foods, pasta, CHICKEN, FISH, DAIRY… ugh. I am still eating fruit throughout the day, and it’s just my dinner meal that has been horrible, but it’s been REALLY horrible. I guess there is something that needs go get out of my system emotionally, otherwise I don’t see why I’d go back to eating meat and dairy.

It really doesn’t feel very good, so I’m not sure why I’m doing it. Masochism, I suppose. It’s like I really just don’t care.

I’m beginning to get back to the point of caring… of being tired of feeling like I’m dying every night because of what I ate for dinner. Today’s the first day in like, 2 weeks that my boyfriend and I DIDN’T go out to a restaurant for dinner.

I feel like I’m back at square 1… again. But I feel fortunate to know that there is a path that seems to work for me… more fruit during the day—lots and LOTS of fruit. I did have leftover pasta for dinner tonight… still heavy, but at least it didn’t include the heavy salad dressing, the appetizer, and the bread that comes with it from the restaurant. A step in the right direction. There are some salad supplies, and an avocado that will be going bad soon if I don’t eat them—that might motivate me to eat them tomorrow. Cross your fingers. I’d really like to get back to eating high raw. It’s how I feel best.