I've been on this quest - a quest to understand who I am, and what I'm meant to be doing at this particular time of this third dimensional reality.
I've been told that I'm here for a purpose, that there is
work I'm meant to be doing here. And I've believed that I'm not yet doing it. I don't even know what it is. I've been stuck there—in this lack mentality—with the idea in my head that I'm not good enough, that I'm not doing what I'm
supposed to be doing, etc…
So, recently—like so much of my life—I've been searching for what it might be that I
should be doing. All the while thinking I'm NOT doing it.
Not too long ago two very exciting things inspired me to participate:
First, I became aware of a workshop with a medium who speaks with dead people. FASCINATING stuff to me. After learning about the workshop I had a dream where my deceased mother came to encourage me to attend the workshop. So I signed up. How fun! I'll get to speak to my mom again!
Then, I was guided to research past life regression therapy in my local area. Searching for ANYTHING local in Maine is like trying to pull teeth. Everything is usually at LEAST an hour and a half away. So, I was amazed and astonished to find that there is a Past Life Hypnotherapist in the next town (25 minutes away), who is also preparing a space to also work about 10 minutes away. I was impelled to contact her and set up a meeting.
Both events coincidentally were scheduled to happen today. Two exciting, very out of the ordinary, metaphysical events happening on the same day. What are the odds?
For the last 2 weeks, I've been focusing on this day. Building my expectations and hopes that whatever I experience today will be mind blowing, and make the whole world, all of a sudden, make sense. I've been so focused on the future that I haven't been enjoying the moment at all. I avoided the feelings I'd have in each passing moment, as I do so often. I'd eat poorly in hopes of numbing away the discomfort associated with avoiding my emotions, I watched a lot of TV, and did yoga maybe twice in the whole 2 week time period. I was so convinced that these things, on this day would make it all make sense.
So, due to a misunderstanding as to whether I would be driving 25 minutes or 10 minutes this morning to the past life regression, and the inability to get in contact with her, the past life regression did not happen this morning.
I was left disappointed and frustrated about the situation. I wanted more out of it than what I got. I felt abandoned, by her and by spirit. "Wasn't I supposed to learn something amazing from this past life regression?" I thought.
Fortunately, a project came along that needed to be done asap, and I was able to distract myself from the frustration for a little while. Eventually the time came to prepare for this evening's workshop of talking with dead people. I psyched myself up for chatting with my mom—since, she did tell me to go to this workshop, she must be there, right?
From what I've learned—today as well as many other times in my life—expectations only lead to disappointment. There are two ways to ask for something to appear in our lives: One feels greedy and selfish—stemming from a feeling of lack, a feeling of "I'll be better once I have this thing"; the other feels joyful and abundant—the utter exuberant blissful feeling from just thinking of having such a thing.
The expectation I was feeling toward both of today's metaphysical events was one of greedy lack. I was broken, and these things were going to fix me.
Well, I did have a good experience at the dead-people-workshop. I witnessed everyone in the room connect with a deceased friend or relative (human). She came to me a few times, saying she was getting something from my area, but each time it ended up being for one of the three people surrounding me. At one point, she really tried connecting with someone for me. What she said didn't entirely surprise me, though it was unexpected. Around me, what she saw was a lot of small animals… no people… WTF? Really?
Now, animal communication is something I feel I've been working toward lately (one of the many things I hope will connect me to spirit), and I guess it's nice to know that there are a lot of animal spirits surrounding me for some reason or another. I just wasn't expecting to hear that tonight. I was thinking of my mom, and her mother… and Alison (a childhood friend who passed suddenly a few years ago).
Anyway, the workshop ended with each person, except me, receiving a connection. Another big disappointment. I left feeling thankful for the experience, but frustrated that I didn't talk with my mom, and wondered why I bothered going.
There MUST have been a reason why I was intuitively guided to signing up for these two things, on the same day, and for them BOTH being disappointing!
On the drive home, the frustration surmounted to tears. To the point where I just started talking out loud to myself. Asking what the point of it all was? What is there for me to learn from this? I went over the reasons I had for signing up for these things in the first place, and it dawned on me that I was hoping to connect to the ever-present spirit of all things through these means. I do this ALL THE TIME! I seek for ways, or techniques or methods, rituals… that will help me connect to spirit. I make it so complicated for myself, build up all sorts of expectations of "Oh, this will be the one…" etc. And am constantly let down. "Why can't I connect with Spirit?" I asked as I sobbed my way down the highway.
It's because the thing I'm seeking cannot be found externally. That connection to spirit—the all-encompassing, unified beingness of totality—can only be found within myself.
I cried, I desperately asked for a way to connect. I yearned to connect, and get to know that part of my Self. Scenario after scenario came up in my mind as I spoke to myself out loud
during this hour and a half journey, of the various ways in which I've
tried to connect myself to spirit. I surrendered. I gave up the quest. I was so sick of tired of being disconnected that I stopped trying. I put down all the methods I've ever used and breathed it all out. I completely gave in and surrendered. Turned the whole ordeal over to spirit. I don't want it anymore. It's broken. It doesn't work. Many more tears, and an ache in my chest. I'm done with it.
Then I saw a flash of a vault in my mind's eye. It was locked, and hidden away someplace deep inside me. I had no combination, nor a path to finding it.
I humbly asked for guidance.
The vault appeared effortlessly before me.
I humbly wished for it to open.
The door opened effortlessly.
"Is it really so simple?" I wondered.
Inside lay a bright, golden white light—a glowing orb of light floating in the center of the vault. I was enamored by the light, and reached out to hold it. A tension felt from DEEP within my gut released in a huge gush. The glowing bright white orb absorbed into the gap in my chest opened by the release. I felt whole again. The glow from the orb enveloped my entire body in ecstatic bliss.
Whatever it was I was seeking from these workshops was within myself all along. I had it locked in a vault, and hidden away where it could be safe. I only had to be willing to receive it for it to present itself. No expectations, no "shoulds"; no obligation to live up to anyone else's imagined version of who I am; no rituals or complicated methods of manipulating it open.
With that gush of overwhelming love I unified with my Self. "What is the Self?" I asked myself aloud. The feeling wasn't one of me and another… it was everything. Three became one - total unification. (Past, present, future); (father, son, holy spirit); (maiden, mother, crone); (physical, mental/emotional, spiritual)… it all merged into one beingness of totality. There was no separation. No doors, no locks, no division. There was only love.
I continued to speak to myself aloud—it was a higher part of me speaking through me, as me, to me…
From mySelf I was so strongly reminded that I don't need to have music to get into that state of being. I don't need my yoga mat. I don't need a guided meditation, nor a teacher of any sorts. I don't need my i-pod to be charged. I have my breath. It's here with me always. I breathe in spirit. I breathe in unification with all things. I'm in the NOW with my breath. NOW—not like "present" but like Past, Present and Future all in one. NOW is all of it. All of time is NOW. All capital letters—NOW.
I had been living in the separated illusion that I was only one third, or at most, two thirds of the whole. There was a part of me separated from what I identified myself to be, and that third part was the "being" I longed to reunite with.
I believed in the illusion of separation. I believed something was missing from me, that it was outside of me, and "I" had to go find "it". When really, it's been within me all along… There's no separation between ME and IT. It is me, I am it. We ARE. I AM.
I AM the unified beingness of all of totality. So are you. There is a third of us represented as a physical body. Yes, we are physical. And in physicality we appear separate. There is a part of us that is mental and emotional. Even there, we appear separate. I had been identifying with those two aspects of ME and seeking to find the spiritual side… it must be "out there". "The truth is out there" so they say… but, really, it's inside.
It's ALL inside. I truly do have a universe within me. And I can breathe it.
