When someone we care for is hurting, and upset about the state of their world, what can we do? It may be clear to us what they can do to help turn their lives around, but we can't make them do those things, and if we offer these solutions as suggestions, we run the risk of trying to fix them, and end up pushing them deeper down into their hole, because now they're being judged as broken, too.
Some people end up running in circles, doing the same things, believing their same beliefs, and expecting different results each time, only to be let down even more, again and again when things stay the same.
These people are not broken. They don't need to be fixed. They don't need solutions that we think would make their life all pretty.
They need to be loved for who they are. We all do. Just as we are, with no changes necessary.
It's only by focusing on what we want in this world that it will manifest. By seeing a person as broken and in need of solutions that will fix their lives, we only keep them stuck there. More of the same, because that is what we are focused on. It's a dualistic point of view, and keeps us in a "them and us" mentality. It keeps the other separate—on the other side of a wall.
This is so easy to do, and we are all prone to it unconsciously now and then—we box someone up into a category of being different from us in some way. This is where internal walls come from—the walls that keep us separated and divided; the walls that divide the acceptable things from the unacceptable things.
When we can accept a person, or society, or the world—as it is, and love it anyway… to really BE in-love with it… we are unified, and it's only then can things really begin to change.
That begs the question… What is love?
Love is a word that our society has thrown around, with so many different meanings to each of us. The way I define love here is as a state of being.
Love is a place—a feeling—we can get to within ourselves. When we are there, everything seems right in the world. If we close our eyes and focus our attention on our breathing and are able to quiet our minds enough to simply BE… that is love. It's the state of being where thoughts do not interrupt the peaceful state of BEing. There is no longer a "them" nor an "us". It all simply IS.
When we can release the grip our thoughts can sometimes have over our mind, and instead allow the thoughts to float through without getting stuck, then we are not trying to fix anyone… Instead, in that state of being, where we are not identified with our thoughts, we are not identified with either aspect of the "them" or the "us" and therefore, they are both perfect just as they are. No fixing is necessary. No judging is present.
To be in this state of being (in love), and imagine a person, or society, or the world in there with us, is called "holding space" for them. Our intent, through our imagination, holds a space in love for this person to enter, if they choose to. But, whether they do or not is completely independent of the one holding the space. Whether they do or don't, either way it's perfect, because to the one holding the space, the person is there, in love, with them.
Does this help the other person?
This is a common desire—to help the other person. While it seems all well and good to bring ourselves into a state of love, it may seem selfish to do so when someone we care for is in pain, and hurting. Our thoughts may tell us that it's not right for us to feel good when they are suffering.
Think of it this way: If we come across someone inside a deep hole, who is unable to climb out on their own, is it beneficial for us to jump into their hole, or to dig another hole beside them in order to help them out? No. It's not. It makes things more complicated, and now two people are stuck instead of one. It's better for both, if we lower a rope, or a tree branch rather than climbing down into a hole.
When there is a wall that divides us, it hurts the people on both sides of the wall. Both sides feel separated and hurt—unable to mentally understand something about the other side, and stuck in a right and wrong sort of mentality. To compare it to the previous metaphor—they are both in a hole. When either side can transcend the wall (be in love), and see both sides of the wall equally, then they won't identify with one side or the other. That person can then see the place where another person is existing with complete acceptance and love.
Holding space for someone who we previously perceived as hurting simply provides an opportunity for them to climb out of their hole if they choose—it's like lowering a rope. And, as long as we continue to hold that space, and not become attached to whether they climb out or not, then our wall stays down and the ball is in their court to choose love. Choosing love is always a choice.
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