So long…

It's been awhile since my last post. To be honest—I'd forgotten I had this blog at all. No lie.

I was reminded of it the the other day, while listening to "We Made Up Your Mind For You Last Night" by Cloud Cult. I was touched by a moment of feeling awake and alive. I recalled the feeling in my chest just before I channeled this message, and was inspired to find the post and re-read it.

I'm beginning to feel alive again. I've started meditating for 10 minutes every few days. It's a start—more consistent meditation than I've ever committed to before. I can feel the benefits on so many levels.

I recently moved—away from where I lived for 5 years, mostly in isolation. There was very little to do outside my home, and I had few friends—none whom I would consider very close to my heart enough to be completely vulnerable around. There are less than a handful of those friends in the whole world.

Much of my time there was spent isolated. I got to know my self. Or, probably more accurately: I discovered how to look at myself and spent a whole lot of time trying not to be in denial of what I saw. I'm learning acceptance. I now have a son. Shit has gotten real. I need to step up.

I've had an obsession with the caterpillar, and Ram Dass's quote: "You can't rip away caterpillarness." True. Caterpillarness is something that falls away in its own time. When the time is right, the caterpillar is inspired to build a cocoon and hibernate there until the time is right to emerge. He may not even know what's happening or what's motivating his actions. I can relate to that not-knowing. Maybe there's a feeling of anticipation that occurs prior to emerging from the cocoon. I think I'm feeling that right now. Just as there was right before moving to that isolated place, I feel the anticipation of something grand about to unfold.

The isolated time at my old home has ended. I suspected while I was there that it was my cocoon. I feel that sense much stronger now that I've left and feel this anticipation. I don't know what it will be. But I have that feeling in my heart again. That sense of openness. I'm emerging, and I think I'm ready this time.