So many emotions from my past that were buried in my subconscious have been resurfacing for me to deal with. This intense emotional healing seems to have all started with my first Level 2 Reiki attunement (in 2009), and happened subconsciously without my conscious intent to unearth them… Because, well, they’ve been buried and I didn’t consciously know about them until something brought them up.
Here's an excerpt from my Reiki Cleansing post, speaking about the first batch of emotional healing from my first Level II attunement:
However, even though I didn't feel it, Reiki was hard at work healing my emotional and mental body. Throughout the winter I experienced some deep emotional cleansing. There were a lot of things about my psyche that were exposed to me—things I was in denial about and resisted seeing as truth. I saw things I couldn't believe, but knew to be true—though I resisted them. I spiraled into the worst self-loathing depression I had ever been in, totally unable to accept these aspects about myself. I was mentally and physically destructive to myself and my friends. I was isolated from my family and basically felt all alone to deal with what I was experiencing. I often tried to use Reiki to help me, but I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't want to understand nor want the help. I just wanted everything to go away. But the only way out is through. One night, as I basked in the intense emotional uncertainty, my ego shattered itself with judgement and delusion… Then, with help through unconditional love, understanding, and logic-based thinking of my boyfriend I was able to see things more clearly and not take things so personally. Self acceptance has been a continuing effort since then…
Some of it was easier to deal with than others… and I think I stepped
into Level III of Reiki before fully dealing with all of it. (Do we ever really
deal with all of it though?) Perhaps it was a little before I was really
consciously ready to handle it. Once I increased the energy flow with
Level III, the healing got pretty intense (again), and so did my
resistance to it—which slowed the healing, and increased the suffering.
Only, the things I was being shown after the Level III attunement were different from what I dealt with after my Level II attunement. With Level II, I learned a lot about my self, and could see things about my own personality and actions that I had been in denial about. I could watch with a discerning vision, how I treated others, and myself, and could then make a choice to maintain those actions or change them. The first step was accepting them, and that was really hard with some of it.
With Level III, the things I've been shown have been about my relationships with other people—the things I've experienced that include the actions of other people and how I've been treated. The process has been the same: I've been unaware or in denial of these things, and I'm now able to see them with new eyes—able to discern them for being what they really are, and then make a choice: do I want to continue being treated this way, or do I want to choose to be treated differently?
For me, this seems like the natural next step. Like, once I've learned that I can influence my own actions through the intentions I set, it's natural for the next step to be learning that I can influence the way others treat me through the intentions that I set. And, the first step in being able to change my intentions is to see what it is I'm creating in the first place, and there was a lot of resistance to accepting what I saw, and taking responsibility for it. (see Vibrational Reality and Law of Attraction posts)
Until I was able to let go of the resistance, I lived in that limbo phase where I resisted facing that which would allow me to heal, and suffered in a sort of dis-harmonic state where nothing seemed to be quite right. As a result of that disharmony, I treated my body poorly—I was lethargic, and ate foods that don't love me back. I was eating to emotionally numb myself so I didn't have to look at the things that were trying to work their way through me to be healed.
I know Reiki only gives us what we can handle, and what we ask for, so I know and understand that this difficult healing process was the path I chose for myself and what I needed to experience in order to get where I am today. A friend recently shared with me the "Whatever prayer"
Whatever I have to see,What really fascinates me is that it happened—is happening! It happened because I intended it to happen (with thoughts similar to that prayer). I wouldn't say it happens this way for everyone who is attuned to Level II. It's all about the intent. I intend healing, and it happens.
Whatever I have to feel,
Whatever I have to remember,
Whatever I have to go through,
If it is for my healing,
And in the highest good of all Beings, I agree to it.
When our hearts are set on powerful healing, there is nothing in the universe that can stop that healing process from happening—even our selves. We've given permission to the universe to allow it to happen. We may slow the process down and suffer through the resistance, but the desire to be healed is still within us, and that is so much stronger that it perseveres through the resistance over to the other side.
As for the relationship between these healing processes and Reiki—I can’t say for sure if one caused the other or vica versa… but they are correlated in my life. So I can’t help but say that it was Reiki that inspired the healing in me, even if the Reiki attunements were just a catalyst for me to intend on deeper healing…
As a result of the intense healing processes I've been going through, and a HUGE hurdle I overcame just last week, I'm feeling alive again. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 3 years and ignoring my life. A lot has happened, and been presented to me to process emotionally, and it's been a big struggle up until now. I can handle it now.
Something happened in my youth that resulted in a LOT of suppressed emotions. Those suppressed emotions helped subconsciously form certain beliefs and habits which have sculpted my reality over the years since it happened. It's sculpted my relationships with myself and others, as well as how I view society and family. Upon seeing the whole situation from the bigger picture, I can have compassion toward all who were involved, and I understand that it was an experience that I needed to go through to get to where I am today.
With that huge emotional hurdle out of the way, finally, I'm aware of my physical body again. There isn't a need to indulge with emotionally numbing foods to help me hide from scary hurdles any longer. So, I'm ready to treat my body as the divine vessel that it is.
Many of you didn't know me or follow this blog 3+ years ago, but I was highly focused on what I was eating, and strove to eat a high-raw, low-fat vegan diet. (see A Raw Journey post) While I ate that way, I felt the best I'd ever felt in my adult body. I had a TON of energy and looked and FELT great. I had the energy to do things that just thinking of makes me out of breath now.
I KNOW what it feels like to have that amount of life flowing through me, and I know it's possible to feel that way again. I've passed all the emotional hurdles that have been blocking my way for the last 3 years, and I'm ready to LIVE again—to FEEL alive.
