Reiki "Master" and Teacher certification

Yesterday, I completed my Usui Reiki level III (Master/Teacher) certification.

So… what does that mean?

I've been wondering this for years: "What does the term 'master' really mean?" I've come and gone through a bunch of different theories.

Right now, the theory I like the most is that "master" doesn't mean that the person HAS mastered Reiki… as I really don't think that's possible with anything. There's always more to learn about everything. I know my Reiki experiences will continue to expand and I'll be forever learning more and more about it.

Once upon a time, I heard that the Reiki "Master" attunement is really the beginning of the journey with Reiki. I received my first level III (master) attunement in October, 2011, and my Reiki journey blossomed then. I feel that what this person said rings true for me—Level III is the introduction into a whole new-wide world. It's the beginning of something…

What Reiki Master means to me is that the person has been dedicated enough to learning Reiki that they've begun, and continue to experience all three levels of training—physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual.

The term "Master"—master of anything—means the person IS dedicated to mastering their chosen art over the period of their lifetime. Mastering something is never about getting to the end, and saying YES, I've finally GOT IT! It's about the journey of processing and working with the constant changing nature of it within each moment; it's about becoming that thing and carrying it with them in everything they do.

So, as a Reiki Master, that's what I do.

As a Reiki Teacher… well, I'm certified to teach and pass Reiki attunements, but I'm not yet drawn to doing it. I'm not really sure what the next step of my Reiki journey will be. I'm not sure if I'll ever teach people outside my circle of friends and family. I may, I may not. I really don't know what the future holds.

I'm here, now. And I guess the next step will naturally present itself when the time is right. I remain open to receiving that guidance at that time.

Accepting Cancer, and everything…

I'm finally coming to accept the nature of my mother's death. It's been a hilly process—lots of ups and downs, but I can finally see it with acceptance. 

I believe there is a way to appreciate and see everything with compassion. Really. There's something about everything, that when thought of in the right light, can be seen with love and acceptance. 

One of the challenging things for me to see in an accepting way has been cancer. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, she struggled through the chemo treatments, went into remission, and it returned months later. She had an inoperable tumor and went through another round of chemo, then about 2 years after her initial diagnosis, she left her body and ended her suffering.

At first, when she was diagnosed, it seemed to me as though the diagnosis alone was a death sentence, and that tortured me. The idea of my mom dying was the worst thing I could imagine. I had little understanding about what cancer is, or how it treats the human body—how it's caused, or how it's cured. Three of my grandparents had also died of cancer, but I wasn't as involved in their process as I was with my mom. So many people I've known who have been diagnosed with cancer have died. That's where my focus was. I had little hope.

I have a much different perspective about cancer now then I did when my mom was diagnosed. I no longer see it as a death sentence.

Let me preface by saying that I see the WHOLE UNIVERSE differently now than I did then. I can see how we manifest our thoughts into existence, and that everything we experience is here because we have asked for it in some way. Everything in the physical world has an energetic vibration. It's the stuff we're made of—vibrating electro-magnetic energy. And since everything in our physical world (the third dimensional reality) has an energetic vibration… then cancer must also, and I respect that energy's right to exist.

"What we resist persists."
You may have heard that before. It's true.
When we resist something we are in vibrational alignment with the the thing we are resisting, and when we are in vibrational alignment with anything, it continues to exist in our lives. This is what is meant by "like attracts like" and the Law of Attraction.

We live in a physical world where matter manifests because of the energetic vibrations that have asked it to manifest, and those energetic vibrations are our thoughts, our feelings… the way we feel about our thoughts. We live in a world where our thoughts become reality. So often we are thinking and feeling unconsciously, and manifesting things into our lives that we don't want.

So, like everything else, cancer is something we've unconsciously asked for, as individuals and as a society. All illness we experience is in our existence because on some level, we have asked for it to be there.

Now, I can see it as a tool. Cancer is a tool used by some of us to exit the physical realm. For others, it's a tool to help us wake up to what we are asking for in life, a way to catalyze a different way of thinking and feeling. Neither of these things are inherently bad. No, they just are part of the story.

And death… this sort of opens up a whole different can of worms for so many people. There is nothing inherently wrong with death either. We are eternal beings who have temporarily taken form in physical bodies to experience the third dimensional Earth reality. Death is the process of dropping they physical body and returning our consciousness to our eternal non-physical beingness.

I've heard life described as an on-going movie playing in a theater: we walk into the movie (born into our lives), then sit down and watch it for a period of time. The other people in the theater are the other people in our lives. At some point we get up and leave the theater (death).

There are so many ways for a person to go about their death transition, and each of us chooses (at some level, not usually consciously) our method of making this transition. I can accept and respect that.

Murder, war, cancer and other incurable illnesses, sudden accidents—as society we view these things as atrocities—terrible ways to die. But what are they really, in the bigger picture of things? They are tools—methods that the non-physical part of us chooses to use in order to drop the body and return to where we came from before we were born.

While on the physical plane I can understand the heart-ache, suffering and pain that goes along with experiencing the loss of someone we're used to existing in the physical world with us, I can also see that their essence has not really gone. They've just changed form—turned from physical to non-physical.

So, I'm not going to hate cancer because it was the method my mom choose to use to leave her body in the physical world. I don't wish to vibrate a hateful energy… but, more acceptance. Acceptance and respect for all of it, even cancer.

I can't justify donating any more money to the research to cure cancer, or any other incurable disease. The research isn't getting us any closer to curing it. What we do by focusing so much on resisting cancer is proliferating the existence of cancer.

If it's important enough for an individual to cure themselves of their "disease", then there IS a cure—it's within us. It has to do with the way we think and feel about our reality… it's about consciously asking for what we WANT to receive in our lives. It's about what FEELS right. Each one of us has the power and ability within us to heal our bodies of whatever ailments arise, including cancer.

We are the creators of our reality, and we CAN create consciously. That means, it's possible to overcome a diagnosis of cancer by creating the feeling of a healthy, good feeling, well-functioning, strong body. When we have a desire for something in our lives, it's not the thing that we crave, it's the feeling we get from having, or being or doing that thing.

Here's a simple example: think of a bright, warm, sunny day. Think of that warmth surrounding your body and warming you from the outside in. Can you feel it? It's that feeling that will bring the thing into existence. Thinking of sunny warmth will manifest a bright sunny day, or some other way of bringing that same feeling into your life—whatever is in the best interest for you individually.

In a recent conversation I had with a group of knitters about this, one of them said that they "love having new yarn", but what they really love is the feeling they get inside when they receive new yarn. There's a monumental difference here.

When we can tap into the feeling we get inside of what it's like to actually have that thing, it (or something even better that brings you that feeling) will come into existence. Quantum physics has proven this. Here's a great video by Gregg Braden. If you want to learn more about how quantum physics proves this, I highly suggest checking out more of his videos and his books.

Crochet Reiki Hearts

I'm currently in the process of going through Master/Teacher Reiki training. It's a 9-week course, and we're just about half way through.

Just for fun, last week after in the guided heart chakra meditation part of class, I got the idea to crochet up a bunch of little hearts and stuff them with crystals and herbs relating to the heart chakra and share them with my classmates.

I had some green hand-spun yarn on hand that I wasn't sure yet what to do with, so I started with that. I crocheted a bunch of hearts from that hank of hand-spun… then I kept going! I've made a ton of these things…

I choose to include rose quartz, dried lavender, rose petals and sage inside each heart. And of course, Reiki! They're all infused with Reiki energy—it was flowing while I spun the yarn, while I crocheted the heart and while I stuffed it!

The rose quartz beads were cleansed in Reiki-charged salt water, then lovingly placed into the heart, surrounded by the herbal blend.

Because I've made so many, and they're a lot of fun for me to make, I'm starting to sell them in my Etsy store and at a local farm down the road.

If you know how to crochet, please feel free to use this idea to make some hearts for yourself and/or as gifts, and I ask that if you do choose to sell anything made from any of my patterns, that 100% of the proceeds go toward a charity.

Law of Attraction

Because of the mainstream hype surrounding the movie The Secret, I resisted watching it for years. Whenever something gets THAT MUCH attention I instinctively avoid it like the plague. Eventually, one lazy afternoon I was browsing through Netflix and there was really nothing else that seemed remotely interesting. So, I watched it. It was pretty much as I had expected it to be—nothing spectacular, and a lot of information was missing from the movie. At the time I wasn't sure exactly what information was missing, so it left me asking a lot of questions.

In a way I'm really thankful I finally did watch it. Otherwise I would not have found myself asking questions. It set the stage for a journey into understanding as much as I possibly can about the Law of Attraction. Of course I'm still on that journey, but I'm being guided to share with you what I've learned up to this point.

Let me start by referring you to the Vibrational Reality post I made recently, which explains the nature of the energetic world that we will be speaking of shortly. If you're new to the idea of everything consisting of electro-magnetic energy, then I highly suggest reading that post before we continue.

The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. Because we live in an energetic universe where everything consists of energy, what the Law of Attraction is really saying is like energy attracts like energy—like a magnet.

We learned in the Vibrational Reality post that energy vibrates within a frequency range that we humans can experience. The emotions we feel are a reflection of the frequency we're accessing. Therefore, whenever we are vibrating at a certain frequency (feeling a certain emotion), we will only be able to translate the vibrations at that frequency.

Let me go a little further with what I mean by "translate the vibrations":
We have these five senses—taste, touch, smell, hearing and sight—and we experience the world through these senses. Our senses are the gateway between the energetic reality and the physical reality. Through our senses we translate the vibration into something we can experience—a sound, a smell, a sensation, taste and an image. There's a lot more to this, but that's the gist of it. I may go into it further in a future post. If you're curious about it now, check out information about the holographic universe.
 

To the left is a chart illustrating the frequency range we humans can experience. Use the labels on the chart lightly. Understanding the Law of Attraction doesn't have much to do with mentally memorizing the order in which the emotions appear on the scale… but it's more about how they feel, and which ones (to you) feel better and worse then the others. It may or may not be the same for different people, as we each could be feeling the same feeling, but calling it something differently. So, it's more important how it feels than what it's called.

With that knowledge under your belt now, I can explain how I use that and the Law of Attraction in relationship to my day-to-day life. Basically, I maintain mindfulness (as much as possible) of how my body feels and take notice when it shifts to a worse feeling.

So… that needs a little more explaining. It's not that I focus on or look for the worse feeling—doing that would attract a worse feeling to me—but it's more like I've asked my body to shoot up a red flag if I happen to notice a down shift in frequency.

It's taken some time to get to the point of actually noticing the shift, but now it's to the point where the shift down in energy—if it happens suddenly in reaction to something I'm experiencing—it's like diving from air into water. Pretty obviously dense and different.

Once I'm aware of the frequency shift, I can use it as an opportunity to make conscious decisions about how to respond to it. "Find a better feeling thought" is something Abraham Hicks has taught me. Once I notice myself shifting down, I can choose to think thoughts that help me feel a little better about the situation. Thinking better feeling thoughts helps to raise the vibration. So does gratitude—we can think (and feel) of something that we are thankful for and that will raise the vibration as well.

One thing I found myself running into often was trying to take too big of a jump. Let's say I was feeling angry or depressed and I tried to think loving, happy thoughts. It wouldn't work. I would notice more contraction and resistance to the happy thoughts, and I wouldn't feel any better—worse maybe because it contrasted where I was, then I'd develop self-criticism or shame about not being happy.

It's all about baby steps. From depressed and getting down on myself for not doing anything right, maybe a better feeling thought could be something like: "well, at least I'm aware I'm depressed now, and I'm not resisting it anymore." Then, "I'm being honest with myself about how I'm feeling—that feels a little better", and continuing with just whatever makes you feel a little bit better until eventually you're satisfied with where you're at.

Radical honesty is another big thing I've learned from this—being as honest as possible with myself about what I'm feeling. Otherwise, I'll be vibrating at frequencies that I'm unaware of and attracting things to myself that I'm unaware that I'm attracting…

One of the exercises I've used a lot is an ABC game: For each letter of the alphabet, I'll think of a good feeling word that begins with that letter. So…

A: Appreciation
B: Beauty
C: Calm
D: Divinity
E: Ease
F: Freedom
G: Grace
And it goes on like this…

I also found this to be really useful to get to know how my body feels in relationship to certain thoughts. Like, when I think "appreciation" I don't just think it, I bring the thought down into my body to see how the word feels. If it feels uplifting, great! If not, I'll choose a better feeling word before moving on to the next letter. Abraham suggests doing this while falling asleep at night.

Like I mentioned above, when we are vibrating at a certain frequency our senses will translate everything around us that is matching that frequency. And likewise, things matching that frequency will be attracted to us.

I was recently with a bunch of knitters discussing this, and a woman said that she loves when she receives new yarn. And yes, yarn is great, but it's not the yarn we love. Yarn is just a physical thing, it's the feeling that we get from receiving the yarn that we love—the feeling we get inside when we think of all the things we can make with the yarn—the feeling of how nice it is on our fingers, etc…

It's so easy for our minds to skip over the feeling step and focus on the object. The Law of Attraction is about attracting feelings to ourselves, not things. If we feel a certain way, we will attract things to us that match that feeling. If we're feeling abundant, we could attract new yarn, or a new car, or win the lottery. Or, if we're feeling irritable, we could attract (or be attracted to) traffic, or telemarketers, etc…

If you choose to experiment with this in your own life, be light about it and have fun with it. If you find yourself becoming stressed about it, put it down for awhile and maybe come back to it when life's a little easier. When starting out, it's best to start when it's simple. We don't learn how to put puzzles together with a million piece puzzle. 

A Past Life or two.

This morning I had a "past-life regression". What inspired me to get this done is a re-occuring fear that arises each time I'm presented with the opportunity, or even the concept of continuing my spiritual growth.

The first really noticeable time I experienced it was with learning yoga. When in college I had a lot of interest in going to a yoga class but was absolutely horrified of the idea of it. My college even had free classes available on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. One time I even got up the courage to bring a change of clothes with me to attend the class. I changed into the extra set of clothes and walked up to the door. My heart raced and I was so unbelievably anxious about the whole thing that I just kept walking and went home. It wasn't until about 6 years later that I actually made it into my first yoga class. The fear was strong when I began Reiki too.

It seems lately that this fear is preventing me from even knowing (or trusting) what the next step is. In the past I've always seemed to know the next step, but I'm at a point now where the fear just won't even let me consider any possibilities. So, here we are.

Now, these aren't the exact words, but rather my re-cap of what went on. There may be some phrasing that T used that may not be exactly quite what I've written, but it's my impression. When the scene came up the first time it was vague, and we kept going back to the beginning and going through the story again and each time more information came through and there was less emotion. It all came through in bits and pieces, so the summary of it may seem choppy and all over the place, but that's sort of how it went… We were able to piece it together a little better over time.

I closed my eyes and T began with a brief guided meditation to help me relax. After a moment of grounding and breathing I was guided to tap into the feeling of fear I have that surrounds the idea of moving forward with the next step in my spiritual life. I allowed the fear to rise in my body until the point I could hardy bear it anymore, and stayed there. Tears flowed down my face and there was so much tension—pressure—in my chest. I felt like burning from the inside out.

T asked me to go back to the first time I'd felt this fear. I began by seeing a baby and thought "well, this seems cliche", but remembered from reading through a bunch of first-time past-life regression stories to just go with whatever comes up. So, there was this baby crying. It was in a cradle. The baby is less than a year old. And there was fire. There was no one around. The fire was outside and the baby was inside. That confused me. There was a wall between the baby and the fire… The baby is safe, so what's all the fuss about? Where were all the people? Outside? No. There's no one responding to the fire.

I was very overwhelmed with emotion at this point—just like the baby. I could "see" (the way a photographic memory works, like when remembering where you might have left your keys) the baby as if I was standing beside it. There was a window and outside the window I could see the building burning—it was white. The baby continued to cry and there was no one there. Because I was outside the body of the baby I didn't think I was the baby, but I could feel so strongly what it was feeling. It cried and cried and felt so scared, ignored and alone. No one was coming.

(In hindsight I can realize now that this first vision was ALL the information I feel like I'd been believing prior to seeing the bigger picture in the rest of the story. With a much bigger perspective, it all makes sense now… keep reading.)

T brought me back to the beginning of the scene again. So, I started again with seeing the baby in the cradle, then I looked up and out the window to the fire. I knew the baby was crying because of the fire, but it was on the floor, so I'm not sure how it saw out the window. It's dusk. I turned to see what was around me in the other directions and saw that there was a woman sitting at a table doing something with cards. She wasn't responding to the baby's cries. There were two rooms. The baby and cradle were on the floor in the living room and the kitchen was on the other side of the house. There were some stairs going up between them, but not blocking the view between baby and woman.

Somehow my perspective got inside the burning barn and I could see two horses struggling to get free. They were tied and couldn't get out of the burning barn. They cried and felt so much fear and pain. Again I was feeling terribly emotional and my chest felt like it was going to burst. I wondered if I was one of the horses? The feeling was the same that the baby felt. T asks me if the horses die in the fire. Yes. I burst into tears.

T somehow calmed me down, then we began again. At some point T asks me if I know how the fire started. I saw a lantern, but again I thought it was cliche, so didn't bother mentioning it. There was less emotion around the baby. This time I noticed a man with the woman—they were playing cards. The baby cries and cries. The horses are struggling inside the barn. They cry—no one hears them. The baby cries. The woman eventually gets up to attend to the baby. Upon picking her up the woman sees out the window that their barn is on fire and calls to the man. The man gets up quickly and rushes to the window then immediately out the door. The woman follows and comforts the child who is still crying. The adults don't know what to do. I see the man running around the sides of the barn to see if there's a way in to save the horses. There is not.

T asks me to move the scene forward. It's the next morning. The barn is burned to the ground. There are a lot of towns-people around. They all came to help tame the fire. They had been throwing buckets of water on it all night. I couldn't look at the horses. The idea of them being dead tortured me. I knew they were there, buried under the debris, but couldn't bear to look. I realize now that I am that baby. I could feel the loving caress of the woman's hands. I was scared and sad and so was she, but she loved me and it felt comforting.

I now get another glimpse of how the fire began. There's a boy—about 8 or 9. He was carrying a lantern but tripped and fell. Some hay beside the barn ignited from the lantern and the barn was in flames quickly. The boy was frightened he'd be punished for starting the fire, so he ran, and didn't tell anyone. I don't believe he ever told anyone it was he who accidentally began the fire that night.

From this story I surmised that I could feel the horses pain. I cried because of the intense pain and fear that was coursing through me from the horses. I didn't see the fire. I felt the pain of the horses. They were crying for help and I seemed to be the only one who could understand them. I cried and no one was listening, and I had no idea what was going on, all I could do was feel and cry.

T brought me through some healing processes to help me to have a better acceptance of what had happened and to forgive everyone involved. She reminded me that it was my crying that did alarm the adults to the fire, and catching it when they did may have prevented it from spreading.

The neighbor boy who accidentally began the fire kept coming to mind very strongly during the forgiveness processes. Then I got the image of someone I know from this life, lets call that person X, and the boy overlapping as if they are the same soul.

I remember a glowing orb of yellow light surrounding the whole scene of the farmhouse and the burning barn, and it shrunk down into a little glowing orb—the size that could fit into my hand.

We walked through some more healing practices to remove any unnecessary cords between myself and X and the glowing orb, to really ingrain in the forgiveness and love. Of all the people there, I feel the deepest connection with this boy, and forgive him with all my heart.

T asked if there were any other times that I felt a deep bond with animals and I'm brought to the same farm, about 6 or 7 years later. I see a young girl with fire-redish blonde hair. It's in pigtails. She has freckles. She's wearing something that reminds me of overalls. I look down and I see chickens. The girl is running around chasing the chickens. The chickens are playing back with her. They're not afraid. The girl and chickens are best friends. The girl feels like she's one of them and the chickens love her.

I see an adult woman on the porch of the farmhouse. She's standing there with her hands in her apron pockets admiring the fun the young girl is having. So much love. Big smiles on both of them.

T and I went through some more grounding, and during that I kept hearing the phrase "Who's Sam?"

Let me preface by sharing with you that Sam is a nickname I've adopted in college, and have used with my earthy-spiritual friends for many years now. When I was little I'd name all my barbie dolls Sam whenever I was playing with others and needed to use a name. I remember there being a loving presence named Sam nearby when my parents were going through their divorce… so, Who's Sam?

With T guiding, I'm surrounded by light and there are a bunch of guides and angles surrounding me, sending me reiki. They expand into a larger circle making more room inside. Then a dog appears. Remember this post. Yeah. That's the dog. He's sitting in front of me staring into my eyes so lovingly.

Meet Sam. Sam is one of my guides.
He's a dog spirit. This makes so much sense to me.

T guides me into a lifetime with Sam. There's a boy, about 10 or 11 throwing a stick and there's Sam running after it. They're in a big field. There's a lake or pond at the edge of the field. I get a glimpse of the boy splashing in the water. He fell off a dock and into the water. It's just him and Sam there. Sam jumps into the water after the boy and grabs the back of his shirt and pulls him up to shore. Just like Lassie would have… Sort of makes me wonder if I totally just pulled this out of one of their episodes. I dunno.

So, from all this I've determined that it's safe for me to feel the feelings that come up in my body. I've avoided such things as yoga and Reiki, and Focusing because I've been afraid to let myself feel. The experience this baby had with feeling the intensity of the torturous, fear and pain these horses went through as they died is something no one would ever want to feel. I've been so afraid of opening up and allowing myself to feel because I don't ever want to feel that again. As a baby, that experience was traumatizing, and I believe that first impression I had from just the feeling and the fire was all I knew before now. I really feel as though it explains a lot for me, and being able to see the bigger picture, and not just to be limited to the crying experience and feeling alone, has really helped me to let go of a lot of repressed tension. 

And, it seems that I can now accept the idea that I'm empathic—that I can feel the feelings of the people and animals around me; and that I can trust the impressions I get to be accurate. Like, when my cat's meowing and I get a vision of ground beef. Kitty's hungry, and really enjoys eating beef.

My dad used to tell me the story of when my sister was a baby. I would come out of her crib room and tell my dad specifically what she wanted. My sister wasn't making any sounds yet, but soon after I'd told my dad, she'd start complaining. When they tried giving her the thing I suggested, it was just what she'd wanted.

This is a gift. It's something I can influence and control through intention (with practice), and I'm feeling pretty open to the idea of allowing this to unfold naturally now. I guess I can only be patient and loving to myself and see where this goes. I'm okay with that.

Vibrational Reality

For so much of my youth I believed blindly in the idea of things having energy… I must have read it somewhere and adopted the belief without really having any understanding of it. It fascinated me and I've been on this life-long journey to learn as much as I possibly can about it. I would speak to my friends about the energy existing in natural things like trees and rocks. There was one good friend who was very doubtful about it and thought it crazy-talk.

Rather than becoming offended by his doubt, or adopting his opinion as my own, instead it made me realize that I didn't really understand what I was talking about. From then on, I wanted to learn more about it so I had a better understanding and could have more educated conversations about it. That was about 16 years ago.

From there, I dove into book after book about all sorts of energy-related subjects: how to see and read the aura, past life regression, astral travel, pagan practices, crystals, ESP… My mind absorbed a LOT of stuff, but I still had really no idea WHAT this energy stuff really was.

I don't really think there was much of an explanation for it so long ago—at least not one that I had found. The relatively recent discoveries of quantum physics really help us to scientifically understand what it is meant when we use the term "energy".

I'm not a quantum physicist, so if you're interested in learning the nitty-gritty details about how it all fits into science, I'd highly recommend looking into books and videos by Gregg Braden, and movies such as The Quantum Activist and What the Bleep do We Know? (I've included the movie links to Netflix, for those who are subscribed to it.)

Basically everything in existence is made up of electro-magnetic energy that vibrates along a frequency range. Therefore we humans are made up of and surrounded by vibrational electro-magnetic energy! This energy field is often referred to as the aura.

The human aura can now be measured by using Kirlian Photography, which is a photographic method that can photograph the electro-magnetic field around living things. A photographed human aura appears as glowing light surrounding the body—often appearing in any range of the spectrum of colors. Someday I'll have my aura photographed and update this post with the image. For now, if you do an internet image search for "aura photography" a lot of images will come up to give you an idea.

This electro-magnetic field vibrates within a frequency range—sort of like a radio dial has a certain range from 87.5 to 108 MHz. Our emotions determine the frequency at which we are vibrating. This is useful to know if you want to get into stuff like the Law of Attraction.

One of the first techniques I used to sense my aura I learned from one of the books I read as a teenager. Everyone I've shown it to in person has been able to experience it. If you'd like to give it a try, I've described the process below

To feel your aura:
- Rub your hands together quickly for a little while until you can feel tingles and warmth. 
- Stop rubbing and hold your palms facing each other with about 3 inches (7.5 cm) between them. 
- Slowly move your hands toward each other then back away from each other. 
- Continue to slowly move your hands together then apart, trying a variety of distances between your hands.

What you should feel is a magnetic push and pull between your hands. 

I notice there seems to be an invisible barrier—when I'm on the inside of it my hands pull toward each other, but with my hands further apart (on the outside of the barrier), my hands push away from each other.

If you don't feel it right away, keep playing with it. You'll get it.

That invisible barrier is the edge of one part of the aura (there are many levels of the aura at varying distances from the body.) When we feel the magnetic pull of our hands together, our hands are inside the auric field of the other hand. When we feel the magnetic push away, our hands are outside the auric field of the other hand and feeling the edge of it.

When we are around other people, our auras are interacting—sometimes even before we are aware the person is there. Have you ever had the feeling that someone was looking at you from across the room, and when you turn to look they smile and wave? Or, did you ever think of someone then the phone rings with that person on the other end? Your auras were communicating to each other (even from across the globe), which is what gave you the feeling. 

This concept is illustrated beautifully in the movie The Celestine Prophecy. There is a scene when the main character is interacting with a man who is attempting to manipulate him into traveling away from the group. There's a woman witnessing their interaction from a distance, and she can see their auras. It appears as though the manipulative man's aura is enveloping the main character and the main character's aura is becoming weaker and smaller. 

This video clip is a different part of the movie that illustrates the same thing, and goes about explaining it further. Very much worth watching—at least the first 3 minutes.

When we are communicating to another, so is our aura. No matter what we are saying, whatever we are believing, thinking and therefore feeling is broadcasting energetically to all of those around us. Sensitive people can pick up on it. 

Through this energetic field, everything is interconnected. We're always communicating with the world around us, even when we are unaware of it happening. When we can become aware of the way the electro-magnetic energy feels to our body, we can learn to influence it through our intention.

Here's a short video clip from a different part of the Celestine Prophecy that I think illustrates the idea of energy interacting in an intentional, positive and beneficial way. 

There is a lot more that can be said about energy, but I'll stop here for now.

Investigating the programming

Getting to know myself is important to me because when I know the unconscious and reactive tendencies that I'm prone to, and witness them happening in the moment as they happen, it helps me to expand the wholeness of who I am. I can become more in the moment and less reactive. As we go about our day, we meet and talk with people, and are doing something every second, and in each moment lay the opportunity to choose how we respond, or we can react out of habit.

When I react out of habit, I feel separated from the situation and unaware of the fullness of what is happening within and around me. I feel small and controlled by my environment and the people around me. I'm a pawn in the game of chess that is life. Things seem scary, unpredictable and overwhelming. My reaction is often based on the programming I've absorbed of how to act in such a situation. Each time a certain situation arises I'll react the same way no matter what the circumstances are.

When I'm aware of what is happening in the moment—both inside my body and in the outside environment—I'm educated and can make a decision based on that moment. The action I choose to make is based on the moment and what would be in the best interest of all involved for that individual situation. I feel empowered, confident and in control of my actions. The world is my playground. Life is abundant and beautiful.

For this reason I've made the decision to see and feel and attempt to understand as many of my unconscious programs as possible.

What do I mean by unconscious programming? 
For so much of our youth we are influenced by society, our parents, teachers and peers to act a certain way in order to be deemed acceptable to them. As a baby, through trial and error we discover what happens when we cry, or when we laugh—the people around us respond. The way they respond is one of the ways we code our programming. We develop a belief that if I do A, then the result is B. Another example is if I experience C, and respond with D, I'll get the result of E.
We are subconsciously programming ourselves to expect things to turn out a certain way, and to respond to certain situations in a certain way to get a desired result. The program is written and until we become conscious of it, it will continue to unconsciously play out as written.

This past week I've been observing a handful of things I'll habitually say and how I feel inside my body. I've put the request into my mind to inform me when certain actions or feelings take place. I like to call these things triggers. For part of my Reiki Master/Teacher training we are working through each of the chakras. This week's observations are related to the 3rd chakra—the will center.

The unconscious program I'm aware of at the moment is when I'm giving my energy/power away, or sucking energy/power from another person. 

Some of these triggers are:
• Feeling a clenching feeling in my belly (a few inches above the navel, at the 3rd chakra).
• Feeling heat rise in my body (fire).
• Feeling mentally scattered (ungrounded).
• I use the words (or thoughts) "should", "supposed to", or "have to" (excessive controlling).
• Feeling out of control and/or powerless (helpless).
• A feeling of longing for anything (ungrounded).

When my mind alerts me that I'm doing one of these things it's like an alarm clock telling me to wake up! It says "Hey! Pay attention to what you're doing right now." Once I become aware of what I'm doing, feeling, or saying I can examine what's going on around me then make conscious choices about how I can best respond to that moment.

Right now, I'm responding to these things by grounding myself and breathing mindfully for a moment—bringing more awareness into my body. The body is always here in the moment. It's the part of us that navigates through time and space and is always right here, right now. When we imagine the past or the future with the mind, the body is still here in the moment. So, tapping into the feelings that exist within the body is a great way to bring ourselves into the moment.

I remember learning from a Buddhist podcast once upon a time that there is always an appropriate response. Each situation that arises has an response that is most appropriate at that time, and when we can be with our body and environment fully, that response is obvious to us.

Abundant Life Force Energy

Abundant universal life-force energy/power is available to EVERYONE, at all times, in unlimited supply. Yet so many people think they need to get their energy/power from other people; from outside of ourselves—we play games and manipulate it from others (depleting them of it), instead of accessing it directly from the source. Many of us aren't even aware when we're doing it, or having it done to us. Sucking energy from other people pushes them away and makes them not want to be around us.

Some signs that this might be something you do, or that others do it to you are: feeling powerless; tightness in the belly; trying to control others; feeling controlled by others; seeking someone else to solve your problems; telling others (or yourself) "should" or "have to" or "supposed to"; other people ignore and/or avoid you; grasping onto other people for security.

If any of these sound familiar to you, I suggest you try the quick technique below.

To access the unlimited source of universal energy is simple and can be done in a matter of moments. Do this slowly and listen to and feel your body as you do it—not for anything particular, just to observe. Maybe put your hand over your belly if it's tight.

Close your eyes and take a deep breath and slowly let it out. Imagine that there are roots growing from your feet down into the Earth… they grow deeper and deeper into the Earth and grow more firm and strong as they get deeper. Keep breathing.

As your roots reach the molten core of the Earth, feel the red warmth rising up your roots into your body. Keep breathing.

Imagine that red warmth rising and turning orange in your abdomen, then to a bright yellow light just above your belly. Maybe place a hand here. Ask the light to become brighter and brighter until it fills your whole body. Relax the top of your head and imagine the light flowing out from the top of your head out into the universe. Keep breathing. Stay here for a moment.

When you're ready, bring the light back into your body through your head, then begin to draw your roots back into your feet. Take a few deep breathes and open your eyes.

Imagine what this world would be like if everyone knew how to access the universal life force energy directly? We would each allow each other to thrive on one's own energy and no one would be depleted of energy, ever. What a beautiful world that would be!

Reiki III training.

"I know that Language" by Ashley Foreman

When I began my journey with Reiki, I never intended on going all-the-way. Before I began Level I, to be honest, I was terrified. I had no idea what it was! Based on a conversation I was having with a yoga instructor, she suggested I look into Reiki. So I did. Before my first Reiki healing session, I had SO MUCH anxiety—my heart was pounding and I was sweating. Seriously. This fear is still something I'm investigating, as it seems to come up whenever the next step in my spiritual evolution presents itself… It has nothing to do with Reiki. Reiki is purely loving and always works toward the highest good. This fear is something of my own that I need to work through.

Once I got comfortable with the idea of Reiki, Level II was what intrigued me most, and that's all I really had interest in. Going any further than that frightened me, and I reassured myself that I never had to go any further if I didn't want to.

But as time has progressed, and my relationship with Reiki has expanded, I find myself wanting to keep going. In August 2011 I received a remote attunement to the level III energy.

This is something I wrote about the remote attunement experience. For some reason or another, it hasn't felt right to share it here until now:

As far as Reiki goes, I've been continuously been working on allowing the energy to flow through me—to BE reiki. I really turned up the volume on my self healing sessions and am working with the energy in a much more dedicated way. There was a woman who came to me through various online links who offered a remote level 3 attunement. She sent me the manual to read over. When it arrived I felt a sort of nervousness come over me that made me question if I was ready or not. I meditated on it for a few days before replying to her.

Just through reading the manual I began feeling Reiki more strongly than before, and I was reminded that Reiki is nothing to be afraid of. Nor is anything Reiki will present into my life. I had been afraid of being lead down a path that I wasn't ready to follow. But I've never yet been led astray by Reiki, and I know it only has my highest good in mind… so to speak. So, last Wednesday I had the attunement, remotely. We scheduled it to be received at 7pm.

What a beautiful and loving experience it was. I began feeling Reiki energy at 6:24, I just finished the work-related project, and set it aside, and began the intention to prepare for receiving the attunement. As I set the intention, I could feel my body filling and emanating Reiki. My third eye softened, and my sense of self began to dissolve.

I listened to my intuition about where and how to prepare myself and my surroundings. I chose to be sitting on my bed, lit a candle, drank some water leaving some in the glass. I lit some sage and collected some crystals and a cluster of earth from my altar to join me.

Sitting in meditation there was a sensation of being surrounded by non-physical entities. As if they gathered in a circle, and I was in the center. They were eager and excited to be part of this process, and I sensed gratitude from them that I was listening and aware of them in that moment, as well as their prior efforts in guiding me toward this moment.

I was guided to go upstairs to get a photo of my mom that I had printed that morning for the purpose of sending Reiki. As I did so my boyfriend wished me well and expressed his support of the attunement process. All the while my kitty followed me around the house, purring.

Once back on my bed I sat for another few minutes before receiving the attunement.

At 7 exactly I followed the instructions of breathing evenly for 4 counts in and out 5 times, then recited the words I received from the Reiki master. I felt an orb of light circle my body then surround it in a warm glowing energy. The circle of non-physical entities joined me inside the orb and held up their hands as if radiating energy toward me.

I felt a slow-moving vortex of energy begin at my base and rise through my lower body. I felt my crown chakra soften and open to allow in all energy that was available there for the attunement. There was warmth on the back of my head, as if someone's hand was there.

I sensed a glowing tube running through by body from my base to the crown chakra. I acknowledged it, then wondered what it was. It began filling slowly from the bottom up, with glowing liquid light. At the top, it began to overflow out of the tube, and into the rest of my body. I tingled all over and began feeling my throat chakra, then my heart, then my third chakra. Another vortex of energy came, but it felt different—more… puffy? for lack of a better word. It was more squishy and soft than the first. This one was upside down, widest around my chest, then the vortex was above my head pulling up. As the sensation of the vortex faded, I began to feel more of my body. I sat a little while longer to still myself and center again.

Before the attunement, since the move (present time note: I moved a month earlier and was still adjusting), I've felt as if my heart was a dense rock. Though during the attunement I had a vision of that dense rock expanding, cracking and glowing with more and more light until the dense rock was melted away. Since then I've felt much more alive and open to life.

The attunement itself was more intense than any of the others (Levels I and II) that I had received, and throughout the following year I experienced the most profound healing ever in my lifetime.

Level I deals with healing on the physical level.
Level II deals with healing on the mental and emotional levels.
Level III deals with spiritual healing.

I really had no idea what was meant by spiritual healing. My physical, mental and emotional bodies are tangible to me. I've been able to experience them directly, so I felt comfortable going into those healing processes. Before this attunement, my spiritual self had been something unknown and elusive—something I was unaware of consciously. 

Now, it's a little challenging to put words onto what I mean exactly by spiritually healing… but I'll give it a try. Based on what I'm experiencing, it seems as though my spiritual body is being repaired— any energetic blockages that are in the way of free-flowing energy seem to be making themselves known to me, then what I do with the knowledge of them orients their healing process…

Many times (at least at first—this seems to be getting easier) I resist and ignore and deny that there's even anything going on until it's SO LOUD that I just can't ignore it anymore and am forced to look at it, and say "Okay, yes, you exist… " Then from there it seems to quiet down and we can have a friendly conversation about what's going on… and often heal the misunderstanding that created the separation.

I can totally understand how cryptic that reads… but, it really does seem like there's a conversation going on between different aspects of me. There's the ego me, which seems tangible—like the part of me that identifies with the physical, emotional and mental bodies… then there's the spiritual me, which is so much more than the ego me… Sometimes I can see it as a parent/child relationship… The ego is often in the child role and the spirit is often in the parent role.

In writing all this, I'm prompted to investigate a little more about WHAT is actually healing when I think of a spiritual healing, and in thinking more about it, doesn't feel like it's my spiritual body that's healing—the "parent" or "spirit" part of me that I speak of really doesn't need it… It seems to be connected to the unified beingness of all totallity… So, the healing that is taking place is more like a unification between the ego and the spirit—like, when I'm being loudly spoken to about something that needs my attention, it's often about a gap between ego and spirit. THAT is what needs to be brought into consciousness and healed. That gap needs to be sealed.

So, this is what I've been dealing with this past year. At first it was amazingly difficult. Ten days after the attunement my mother passed away, so I'm sure that added dramatically to the healing process that has been taking place.

Of course, now that the huge obvious gaps between ego & spirit have been healing, I'm prompted to take another step. So, three weeks ago I began a 9-week Reiki Master/Teacher training course, and it is indeed holding my hand as I travel a little further down the Reiki rabbit hole.

Each week so far we have focused on healing the chakras. The first week was the Root (chakra 1). The second week was the Sacral (chakra 2). And this week we're working on balancing the Solar Plexus (chakra 3). Next week will be the Heart (chakra 4), then we receive our attunement on week 5.

This will be my second Usui Level III Reiki attunement. ALL of my attunements so far have been amazing. And, in mentioning that I must say that it's so interesting for me to notice lately what happens when I put expectations on things… Either they don't happen, or they're disappointing—EVERY TIME lately. So, I really need to let of of any idea of anything spectacular happening at any time in my future, for any reason. Or… maybe it's THIS expectation of things failing that needs to be let go of… maybe both? Couldn't hurt.

Anyway, moving on…
While working on Chakra 3 this week I've scheduled a past-life regression. This is something I've been guided strongly to do lately, and the Reiki master teaching us is a hypnotist who can do this with me. I have absolutely no idea what will come up (if anything) during the regression session, but I have some intentions set for some of the gaps between ego and spirit that could use some healing. And that fear thing, I'd like to get that out of the way. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens! (read more about the past life regression)

I just want to communicate from my heart.

So, this all begins by my saying to myself: "I want to just be able to communicate using my heart… I'm done with words."

My heart says: It loves you.

My heart says: I'm blissful, joyful and happy.

My heart says: I'm beautiful.

My heart says: It loves me.

My heart says: Everything is loved.

My heart says: There is no difference between one person and another, or an animal, or plant—it loves it all equally.

My heart says: it's your heart.

My heart says: it's the eternal heart that resides within all things.

My heart says: it can speak through words.

My heart says: it's okay—no matter what it is, it's okay.

I say: These are all words.

My heart says: words are part of all of existence and that learning to listen to the heart through words is part of why we've incarnated as physical beings.

My heart says: The feeling behind the words is what contains the message.

My heart says: Don't listen to the words with your ears; listen with your heart.

My heart says: To hear the words of the heart, we must listen with the heart.

My heart says: It loves me.

My heart says: It loves you.

My heart says: We are all one unified beingness of totality, manifest into an illusion of separateness so that we may learn to love itself.

My heart says: I am my heart.

My heart says: You are your heart.

My heart says: Your heart and my heart, and you and I are all the same.

My heart reminds me: It's okay to forget—that's why I'm here—it's what I signed up for when taking this incarnation.

My heart says: No matter what has happened, what is happening or what will happen, it's all perfect. This too, is okay.

My heart says: It's okay to be upset, angry, frustrated and sad—all those things help manifest the unification to myself.

My heart asks me to love myself.

My heart asks me to love everyone.

My heart asks me to feel the loving language of it and to emanate it out through words.

My heart says: I can speak words from my heart.

My heart reminds me: Words are part of it all, and the feeling behind them is what brings meaning.

My heart says: No matter what the words are that are spoken, the way the listener feels is the message that will be received by the heart.

My heart says: To receive loving messages, I must feel loved.

My heart says: It loves me.

My heart reminds me: It is me, and therefore, I love myself.

My heart reminds me: It is all things, and therefore I love everything.

My heart reminds me: It is all things, and therefore everything loves me.

My heart says: I am loved.

My heart says: All words can be perceived as loving.

And so it is.

Breathing the universe within.

I've been on this quest - a quest to understand who I am, and what I'm meant to be doing at this particular time of this third dimensional reality.

I've been told that I'm here for a purpose, that there is work I'm meant to be doing here. And I've believed that I'm not yet doing it. I don't even know what it is. I've been stuck there—in this lack mentality—with the idea in my head that I'm not good enough, that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, etc…

So, recently—like so much of my life—I've been searching for what it might be that I should be doing. All the while thinking I'm NOT doing it.

Not too long ago two very exciting things inspired me to participate:

First, I became aware of a workshop with a medium who speaks with dead people. FASCINATING stuff to me. After learning about the workshop I had a dream where my deceased mother came to encourage me to attend the workshop. So I signed up. How fun! I'll get to speak to my mom again!

Then, I was guided to research past life regression therapy in my local area. Searching for ANYTHING local in Maine is like trying to pull teeth. Everything is usually at LEAST an hour and a half away. So, I was amazed and astonished to find that there is a Past Life Hypnotherapist in the next town (25 minutes away), who is also preparing a space to also work about 10 minutes away. I was impelled to contact her and set up a meeting.

Both events coincidentally were scheduled to happen today. Two exciting, very out of the ordinary, metaphysical events happening on the same day. What are the odds?

For the last 2 weeks, I've been focusing on this day. Building my expectations and hopes that whatever I experience today will be mind blowing, and make the whole world, all of a sudden, make sense. I've been so focused on the future that I haven't been enjoying the moment at all. I avoided the feelings I'd have in each passing moment, as I do so often. I'd eat poorly in hopes of numbing away the discomfort associated with avoiding my emotions, I watched a lot of TV, and did yoga maybe twice in the whole 2 week time period. I was so convinced that these things, on this day would make it all make sense.

So, due to a misunderstanding as to whether I would be driving 25 minutes or 10 minutes this morning to the past life regression, and the inability to get in contact with her, the past life regression did not happen this morning.

I was left disappointed and frustrated about the situation. I wanted more out of it than what I got. I felt abandoned, by her and by spirit. "Wasn't I supposed to learn something amazing from this past life regression?"  I thought.

Fortunately, a project came along that needed to be done asap, and I was able to distract myself from the frustration for a little while. Eventually the time came to prepare for this evening's workshop of talking with dead people. I psyched myself up for chatting with my mom—since, she did tell me to go to this workshop, she must be there, right?

From what I've learned—today as well as many other times in my life—expectations only lead to disappointment. There are two ways to ask for something to appear in our lives: One feels greedy and selfish—stemming from a feeling of lack, a feeling of "I'll be better once I have this thing"; the other feels joyful and abundant—the utter exuberant blissful feeling from just thinking of having such a thing.

The expectation I was feeling toward both of today's metaphysical events was one of greedy lack. I was broken, and these things were going to fix me.

Well, I did have a good experience at the dead-people-workshop. I witnessed everyone in the room connect with a deceased friend or relative (human). She came to me a few times, saying she was getting something from my area, but each time it ended up being for one of the three people surrounding me. At one point, she really tried connecting with someone for me. What she said didn't entirely surprise me, though it was unexpected. Around me, what she saw was a lot of small animals… no people… WTF? Really?

Now, animal communication is something I feel I've been working toward lately (one of the many things I hope will connect me to spirit), and I guess it's nice to know that there are a lot of animal spirits surrounding me for some reason or another. I just wasn't expecting to hear that tonight. I was thinking of my mom, and her mother… and Alison (a childhood friend who passed suddenly a few years ago).

Anyway, the workshop ended with each person, except me, receiving a connection. Another big disappointment. I left feeling thankful for the experience, but frustrated that I didn't talk with my mom, and wondered why I bothered going.

There MUST have been a reason why I was intuitively guided to signing up for these two things, on the same day, and for them BOTH being disappointing!

On the drive home, the frustration surmounted to tears. To the point where I just started talking out loud to myself. Asking what the point of it all was? What is there for me to learn from this? I went over the reasons I had for signing up for these things in the first place, and it dawned on me that I was hoping to connect to the ever-present spirit of all things through these means. I do this ALL THE TIME! I seek for ways, or techniques or methods, rituals… that will help me connect to spirit. I make it so complicated for myself, build up all sorts of expectations of "Oh, this will be the one…" etc. And am constantly let down. "Why can't I connect with Spirit?" I asked as I sobbed my way down the highway.

It's because the thing I'm seeking cannot be found externally. That connection to spirit—the all-encompassing, unified beingness of totality—can only be found within myself.

I cried, I desperately asked for a way to connect. I yearned to connect, and get to know that part of my Self. Scenario after scenario came up in my mind as I spoke to myself out loud during this hour and a half journey, of the various ways in which I've tried to connect myself to spirit. I surrendered. I gave up the quest. I was so sick of tired of being disconnected that I stopped trying. I put down all the methods I've ever used and breathed it all out. I completely gave in and surrendered. Turned the whole ordeal over to spirit. I don't want it anymore. It's broken. It doesn't work. Many more tears, and an ache in my chest. I'm done with it.

Then I saw a flash of a vault in my mind's eye. It was locked, and hidden away someplace deep inside me. I had no combination, nor a path to finding it.

I humbly asked for guidance.

The vault appeared effortlessly before me.

I humbly wished for it to open.

The door opened effortlessly.

"Is it really so simple?" I wondered.

Inside lay a bright, golden white light—a glowing orb of light floating in the center of the vault. I was enamored by the light, and reached out to hold it. A tension felt from DEEP within my gut released in a huge gush. The glowing bright white orb absorbed into the gap in my chest opened by the release. I felt whole again. The glow from the orb enveloped my entire body in ecstatic bliss.

Whatever it was I was seeking from these workshops was within myself all along. I had it locked in a vault, and hidden away where it could be safe. I only had to be willing to receive it for it to present itself. No expectations, no "shoulds"; no obligation to live up to anyone else's imagined version of who I am; no rituals or complicated methods of manipulating it open.

With that gush of overwhelming love I unified with my Self. "What is the Self?" I asked myself aloud. The feeling wasn't one of me and another… it was everything. Three became one - total unification. (Past, present, future); (father, son, holy spirit); (maiden, mother, crone); (physical, mental/emotional, spiritual)… it all merged into one beingness of totality. There was no separation. No doors, no locks, no division. There was only love.

I continued to speak to myself aloud—it was a higher part of me speaking through me, as me, to me…

From mySelf I was so strongly reminded that I don't need to have music to get into that state of being. I don't need my yoga mat. I don't need a guided meditation, nor a teacher of any sorts. I don't need my i-pod to be charged. I have my breath. It's here with me always. I breathe in spirit. I breathe in unification with all things. I'm in the NOW with my breath. NOW—not like "present" but like Past, Present and Future all in one. NOW is all of it. All of time is NOW. All capital letters—NOW.

I had been living in the separated illusion that I was only one third, or at most, two thirds of the whole. There was a part of me separated from what I identified myself to be, and that third part was the "being" I longed to reunite with.

I believed in the illusion of separation. I believed something was missing from me, that it was outside of me, and "I" had to go find "it". When really, it's been within me all along… There's no separation between ME and IT. It is me, I am it. We ARE. I AM.

I AM the unified beingness of all of totality. So are you. There is a third of us represented as a physical body. Yes, we are physical. And in physicality we appear separate. There is a part of us that is mental and emotional. Even there, we appear separate. I had been identifying with those two aspects of ME and seeking to find the spiritual side… it must be "out there". "The truth is out there" so they say… but, really, it's inside.

It's ALL inside. I truly do have a universe within me. And I can breathe it.

Hives

My body has been trying to tell me something for months—since September of last year; a few weeks after my mom passed.

It's speaking to me more loudly now than it was then. I've been afraid to listen, so it's getting louder. If I want to heal this, it's time now, to get past the fears and listen.

It feels like a firey, burning, boiling sensation all over my skin. Like there is something burning inside of me to get out—something too big for my skin.

When I can stop resisting it, and breathe and BE WITH the whole sensation of what it is to be in my body right now—well, I can feel it release. Through the top of my head, the energy disperses and dissipates. The burning subsides and as a whole, I feel acceptable. I can love myself. I can hold my Self in loving arms and feel comforted and supported. I do have a choice about whether or not I suffer through it.

More of this please. More of the loving, accepting, comforted, supported feeling. I'd like that.

The things our bodies know…

Often, the fear of something is so much more frightening than the thing itself…

I'm slowly realizing how true this is, and I really REALLY love how much braver I'm feeling these days. The fear itself is becoming less and less scary. I've been more brave about allowing myself to FEEL the feelings that come up… about everything. Feeling helps me learn about myself, and let things go.

I'm realizing that the things I've been learning are FUN, and it feel SO good to learn, and to release—to REALLY release them.

The feelings in my body aren't scary anymore. I'm SO in LOVE with my body. We're a team. We are one, of course, but I can see how much my body feels like a small child who needs care, attention and love. And I feel so empowered to be able to give it to myself.

I love being in touch with my body and FEELING it respond to practically everything in every moment of every day.

This whole weekend I've been so much more aware of many shifts in my body, where it is, and what caused the reaction. I'm so in touch with it as it happens—like "Oh! there's something uncomfortable that JUST shifted… where do I feel it? And, what is this?"

I've noticed SO much guilt associated with receiving things. Gifts from others, and things I think I might like to have… I would feel guilty about allowing myself to receive them. Like, J and I stopped at a rest stop. He used the restroom, and I wanted some ice cream. I asked him if he wanted any and he didn't. I stood in line for mine while he went to the restroom. While I ate mine, and he drove, I noticed myself feeling resistant. So, I paid attention to the feelings, listened and associated it with guilt. Like, it wasn't right for me to be enjoying the ice cream without him also doing so. I stayed with the feeling, allowing my body to feel that way as long as it did, and meanwhile gave myself reiki, practically hugging myself to let my body know how much I was there to support it in feeling whatever it needed to feel.

Eventually I realized that I had a belief about things needing to be fair, and if I was doing something, that the others around me should also be doing it, or else it wasn't fair… not equal. I think this goes deeper, but that's as far as I got, and the ache subsided so I could continue enjoying my ice cream. And I DID! It was the best ice cream ever. As I ate it, I really enjoyed watching the sun shine on the green trees and grasses along the side of I95… Such bright colors, and a beautiful sky. I felt loved, appreciated, accepted and so beautiful. He happily sang along to the music as he drove.

On Friday, something came up, that I'm not quite done with, but it felt huge. It's a memory that I've had many times in the past, and remember pretty clearly, but it came from a different perspective than it had come to be in the past:

When I was young… learning to read, so probably about 5 or 6… my parents were recently divorced and my mom was living with her parents. I was visiting her there, and sitting alone in their sun room playing with a stuffed dog.

Around the dog's neck was a collar with a red tag and his name in big, bold, yellow letters. BUTCH

In my head I stared at each letter, sounded them out little by little, and finally felt like I understood the word.  Oh, so proudly, I yelled out what I thought the tag said. Nice and loud so my mom could hear! I was SO excited that I had done it! I wanted to show my mom what I had learned. It felt like such a HUGE accomplishment to me.

Unfortunately, I'd mistaken the U for an I and yelled out BITCH instead. But, I felt SO proud, and excited and totally had NO idea what I had said. I expected praise for doing it all on my own… but instead, my mom came running into the room and slapped me right across the face, from the left to right…

In the past, I'd remember the feeling of joy, the excitement and elation… then when my mom came in, I'd be totally disconnected from my body and viewed the situation from above myself, to my left… not feeling what it was like to be so hurt by my mom—totally outside of myself—isolated—protected. I would sympathize with my mom, and justify her action as being a reaction out of fear of the expectations HER parents had on how she raised me.

I didn't blame my mom… I saw her as a victim of her fear of her parents, and her reaction was based on that…

This time I could actually feel the hurt, and how something inside me shut down in response to it. I felt so betrayed and confused.

Since Friday, there's been SO much less tension in my throat. I feel so much more FREE to express. I sang along to a lot of the songs as we drove, and even felt more open to more conversations with people we were visiting. I was much less critical of how I expressed myself. It didn't need to be perfect before I said it…

It's like I had tapped into the root of a belief I've been holding on to… that my expressions need to be perfectly how another person wants them to be before I express them… or else I'd be punished. But, I never really knew what the others expected… So, I'd resist expressing anything at all, and stay locked up in silence instead.

I don't really understand what happened… I feel better, but there still feels like there's something about this that I'm not seeing… or feeling. Like, there's more to it that I don't see yet. I'm not afraid of it though. I'm so appreciative that my body is willing to work with me now, and I trust that when we're both ready I'll learn more, if it's what's meant to happen…

We're on our way… not sure where… but there's movement. We're journeying.

If anyone's curious about the techniques I'm using to tap into the lessons held within my body… it's called Focusing. It's a very simple series of steps developed by Dr Eugene Gendlin in the 1970's to help people help themselves heal emotionally. I was SO resistant to it at first, but as the book lingered around the house, I occasionally picked it up and read a few pages. Eventually, little by little, I became more aware of my body… I'm loving the process now, and highly recommend it to anyone curious about themselves.

Affirming Abundance

I release all beliefs that no longer serve me.
I release all the stories that limit me. I'm an unlimited being in human form. This universe is abundant and will and DOES provide for each and every one of us. There is more than we need available to us. It is provided as we allow it in.

I release any resistance I have held toward receiving. I can, and DO receive gifts from the universe. I allow the light and love, and abundance to flow into my being, into my reality and into my life in all ways possible.

I invite the universe to bring things and people, to me that will encourage my growth toward being the highest form of this being that I can be.

I expand throughout the house, throughout the town, throughout the county and state. I expand throughout all of new England, down the whole east Coast… I expand to encompass the whole United States… and Canada… and Mexico.
I expand to encompass the whole western hemisphere—South America.
I continue to expand. The whole world. The galaxy, beyond, beyond. I expand to encompass the whole universe.

All that is touched, may it feel pure well-being and love. May each and every being be happy. Be whole. Feel the love that emanates throughout their being-ness. May all beings realize their full potential

These gifts are given AND received. I too receive this energy as it flows through me from the universe. May I be happy, Be whole, and realize my full potential.

Blessed be.

Into the hands of God/Source/Spirit…

I release all relationships. I release all concepts and ideas and beliefs about what a relationship is and isn't. I do not define any relationships. You and I… we just are. I Am. You Are.

I'm done grasping onto anyone, the concept of who I believed they were, onto any belief of who I might think they are. I'm done clinging to any concepts that they have anything for me, and can do anything for me. I'm done resisting them.

I'm done thinking that I can do anything for them. I see them as a light of God/Source/Spirit—whatever you want to call it—who can be or do or have anything. If any of that should come through me, it's not because of my doing—it's because of their asking, and God responding. I didn't do anything to make it happen. The same is true of them for me.

There are no strings of energy attached between us, no avenues through which energy can be drawn unconsciously. I release those. I cut all strings of energy that were once there that helped keep the illusion alive that you had something for me, and that I had something for you. The only one that has anything for either of us is God, and that's where I'm staying connected. I'm staying connected to the moon, rather than the finger that points to it.

This is all what I want, and it's what I'm asking for. It's what I'm working on myself to maintain with all human beings on Earth. No expectation that anyone, anywhere can do anything for me. If they happen to appear to give me anything, it's God working through them—not because I expected them to, or because they were obligated to.

I take full, complete, 100% responsibility for everything in my life. It's here because I've asked it to be here. I don't need to defend anything to anyone. There's nothing to defend. It's all been released into the hands of God. "Let go and Let God" as Dr. Wayne Dyer puts it… I completely surrender into the hands of God. Completely. What will be, will be. Ah, so.

If I slip up and fall back into old habits, I'm able to acknowledge it quickly, and can easily find my connection to source again and maintain balance.

I can accept others truly as they are without wanting them to be any more or less than they are. In my eyes, you're just as you're meant to be. So am I. No changes necessary.

I feel great love, and have the faith that this can and will be done "on Earth as it is in Heaven" so to speak…

It's okay to feel

I accept who I am. I'm aware of the things that cause me to turn my head away to not look. I know what they are, and when I choose not to look it is out of fear. I acknowledge that. I know that fear is not the ideal way to handle things. No. But it happens. And it's okay when it does. I accept it as being part of who I am. Accept me, or don't—that's your choice, and either way it really doesn't matter to me. I accept who I am either way. And, if you choose not to accept me… I accept you for that. It's okay.

I don't need to psycho-analyze what I do… or why I might do it. Doing that only keeps me stuck in it—in the past. I choose to move past what is happening in the physical now to focus on the potential of all that might be. All that might be, in the vibrational now. Vibrationally is where my reality is happening. It's all happening right now. Whatever I focus on is what I feel is happening. When I focus on the physicality of what appears to be now, it's vibrationally in the past. All the possibilities are really the right now. So, I focus there. And there, there is nothing to analyze—just feel. The heart feels. The brain analyzes.

I'm living from my heart. I can use my brain minimally to understand what is necessary to function, but all in all, I can and will and DO live from my heart. I'm not pushing away the analytical mind that arises so often, but I can acknowledge when the balance is shifted far in its direction and nudge it back toward centered—at which time, I'll say "more heart".

Believe what you want about me. It really has nothing to do with me. Whatever your beliefs are, they are a mirror. What do they say about how you feel of yourself? It's the same for me. Whatever I believe about you is a mirror, yes.

I release all beliefs that no longer serve me. I can see you as the light of God. I know you are a divine being incarnated on this earth—just like me. You're beautiful, and strong. You are Love. You're radiant. I see YOU. The real you. The you that is me. We are one.

Sit until the bell rings.

School and meditation—fundamentally they're the same. We're here to learn. To expand our knowledge and to grow in understanding. The difference is meditation is done internally while school is external.

There's a scale of male and female within us all that is in the process of balancing. The male—knowledge, external, school—aspect of us is being balanced by the female—feeling, internal, mediation—aspect of us. Each one of us—everything on Earth—has both male and female energies within us.

We humans have been predominately experiencing male energies for the last 12,920 years. We've been gaining knowledge, and understanding of what it is like to live in the physical 3-D reality. We've been exploring the things external to our selves and have developed a thorough thought-based interpretation of what we think is going on.

Now, we are in the process of balancing. The female energies are waking up.

Our feelings, our intuition, our inner knowing is waking up. Yin is coming to the foreground to help balance the thinking, rational, logical, male, yang energies that have been dominating humanity for so long.

Neither one of them alone is any better than the other, but together, working in harmony they can equalize each other and create a beautiful utopia where intuition and knowledge work together.

And, the bell that rings… represents a sudden shift. We sit—sometimes at peace, and sometimes anxious—awaiting the looming ring of the bell that means something has ended, and something new has begun. When the school bell rings, we can turn off our mind-based thinking and go play. We can run around and be creative. When the meditation bell rings we can open our eyes and experience the outer world again. We can experience our senses and evaluate what we experience physically.

And, when the Earth's bell rings, the world as we know it will change. In exactly what way—I don't know. But it feels beautiful. It feels free. It feels light and unified.

Trust that there is nothing to fear. Just as there is nothing to fear from the school or meditation bells ringing. When the Earth bell rings, it'll be different. It will be invigorating. It will be new. We will be butterflies newly emerged from our cocoon, ready to experience the same world in a whole new way.

So, be still and know, intuit, feel and trust that the bell, so soon, will ring.