Non-existance or Unification?

In this third dimensional reality, there are generally two ways of looking at things—one is fearful, the other is accepting, with open arms.

For this subject, one fears non-existance while the other feels liberated by unification. Essentially, they are the same thing. The fearful or liberated feeling comes entirely from how we look at it, and on what aspect we focus.

Non-existance focuses on the lack of physical being-ness—the lack of a body, the lack of a personality, and the lack of the senses and the pleasures they seek. That is a scary concept. Throughout our entire incarnation in this body, these are the things we have known. To be without them is frightening if we don't trust, or know that there is something beyond them.

When we have the perspective of unification, then the focus is on the feeling of one-ness with everything, complete expansiveness and never-ending love. This is something beyond comprehension to one limited to the sense-pleasures of the physical body.

How do we get to the perspective of unification if we can't see beyond their fears into what lays beyond them? Firstly, we need to want it—really, REALLY want it.

It may come from being so frustrated and angry with the limitations of the physical world that we give up our grasp on it… let it go… realize it doesn't work and drop it. Identifying with the physical—with the body, with the personality, with our jobs or social position, with the sensual pleasures that come and go—provides only fleeting satisfaction with life. When we identify with these things, and they go away, or do not respond to us in the way we want them to, we become frustrated, sad, angry or depressed. It's human to respond in these ways. We have all done it. When these feelings get so intense, and so overwhelming, what's left except letting them go?

It seems ironic that this "dark night of the soul" can be a catalyst into the expansive nature of unification. But, that's how I got there. During one winter, thousands of miles away from my family, while my mom battled cancer, I fought against what I thought life should be, and what I was being handed in each moment. I resisted and hated it. I wanted nothing else but for it to go away, and be over-with. There were nights I could do nothing but argue, and scream and cry.

Then one night, I was so insane with rage and depression—so much resistance—so insane I lost who I was and I cracked. Like an egg. A blindingly bright light shone through, and then there was nothing.

That night was just the beginning, but it's such a clear memory for me as the cracking point. It was the night that who I thought I was shattered for the first time, and I was introduced to who I am beyond the illusion of body, personality and my senses. I AM.

It's beyond description. If it's not something you've experienced for your self, it's not something that can be understood through the mind's interpretation of words. As an attempt to explain: this light—this nothingness—felt blissful, pure, totally expanded, unified with everything, eternal, timeless, loving, kind, allowing, and accepting of everything, without boundaries, completely still—all at once.

From that point on, with the help of some close friends and teachers, my life has been dedicated to removing the layers remaining of the outer shell, and allowing the light to shine, uninhibited.

I'm still on that path, and it will continue be a life-long journey. My awareness of the light within ebbs and flows—like all things in life—but allowing it to shine is my highest purpose in life. That light must shine, and whatever is in it's way needs to be looked at and dissolved. At this moment in my life, nothing is more important to me than that. 

This was the experience that allowed me to begin trusting that there is something beyond my body, personality and the sense pleasures. There may be other ways of touching that light for the first time, but this was my way. I've heard that near-death experiences can do this same sort of thing, or extended periods of fasting and/or meditation.

Wanting something doesn't always mean that that thing will come easy. I had to go through the suffering, pain and anguish to get to the other side… the INside. I wanted it. I have always wanted it—sometimes without knowing exactly what "it" was—IT is the connection to the divine that is innate within each one of us. When we want something strongly enough, the universe conspires to align the circumstances of it's happening. It's our job to walk that path, and be open to receiving it.

Above I've shared the first time I experienced the cracking egg, but it hasn't been the only time. There are times when the layers of the shell build up and I disconnect from feeling that light to the extent that I go through this process all over again. Each time I have a little bit of a better knowing of what I'm going through, so it's easier to allow the process to unfold naturally. It's not an easy thing to do—to let go and allow who you've known yourself to be to disappear. However, each time the faith is stronger that what is beyond is so much more beautiful and powerful than anything my mind could ever imagine.

The Whatever Prayer:

Whatever I have to see,
Whatever I have to feel,
Whatever I have to remember,
Whatever I have to go through,
If it is for my healing,
And in the highest good of all Beings, 

I agree to it.

I want peace.

I've been asking the universe for peace lately.

Be careful what you ask for…

Peace isn't something that is all-of-a-sudden gifted to us. No. We have to work for it! It's something we need to cultivate within ourselves. So, how better to cultivate peace, than by experiencing chaos? Yes, apparently that is the way it works—at least for me.

The universe has been responding to my request for peace by presenting chaotic experiences that help cultivate peace within myself.

That can be really discouraging… I ask for peace, and what I get is more chaos, because when I can sit peacefully through the chaos I will have learned how to experience a peaceful life. Chaos helps me cultivate peace. Ugh…

For a while I didn't realize this, and was pulling my hair out wondering what I was asking for that kept resulting in chaos. I didn't feel like I was asking for chaos—but in this way, I was.

This dawned on me over the weekend. I attended a Reiki III Advanced Practitioner class, and during the attunement there was SO MUCH noise! Car alarms (many of them), chainsaws, barking dogs, people screaming, idling engines… you name it—all within a 10–15 minute span of time.

All this noise was not here prior to sitting down for the attunement, nor after it. During, I noticed my resistance to it, and then all at once realized it was insane, and let go of the resistance and just laughed about it. I realized that the amount of chaos that was happening all around me was there in order for me to cultivate peace during the attunement. It was such an extreme situation where a crazy amount of chaos was presented all around me—chaos that I wouldn't take personal—in order to help me realize what exactly was going on. The universe/my guides/Spirit/God… whatever you want to call it, made it SO obvious that I couldn't miss it. I'm grateful.

Now that I can see that the chaos has a purpose, and is necessary for me to reach my goal of having peace, I can hopefully have less resistance to it. The key is to not take the chaos personally, and allow the insanity of it all to simply roll by without getting stuck to it.

Today was another test of that. Today I learned what happens when I take the chaos personally. It's not as funny. Another lesson learned. I'm grateful for this one too.

Next time will be better. 

What's my biggest fear? An insight into how I inquire within.

I recently attended an Intro to Shamanism workshop, and as I arrived was handed a paper to fill out. At first it had some pretty routine questions, but about half-way down the page I was stopped, and initially taken a-back by one of the questions. Now, given the nature of the workshop, it's not entirely surprising that this question was included. It's understandable that the instructor would want to ask it—not necessarily because she wanted to know the answer, but because I should know the answer. What was the question you wonder?

What is my biggest fear? 

Before I answered the question I looked inside myself and somewhat quickly went through a couple of ideas… really tried to tap into what I'm afraid of, rather than giving a generic, superficial answer.

I ended up writing something along the lines of letting go of things I'm attached to, and moving on.

It's been a few weeks since the workshop, and this question still lingers in the back of my mind. I don't think I answered it entirely accurately. It is hard for me to let go of things and move on, yes… but I don't think that's my BIGGEST fear. I know there's something deeper

I'd like to investigate into it by writing about it here.

Another idea that came to me when I was wondering what to write on the paper, was the fear of death. I initially skipped past it because it seems cliché to me, and somewhat of a surface fear that could use further investigation to fully understand it. 

A friend of mine brings up the "fear of death" pretty often, and I've begun to ask myself what that means to me exactly. I've done a lot of studying on death and the process of dying; where we go when we die; who we really are; what we experience between lives, etc…  and I've experienced personal ego-death from the use of psychedelics, and more recently through the combination of yoga/reiki/meditation. I feel I have a pretty comfortable relationship with the concept of death because of all these things, and I like to think I'd be okay with my own death, when the time comes.

Still, when it comes to the idea of others dying, I resist it. Perhaps this is related to the answer I wrote on that paper—I'm afraid of letting go of Earthly things that I'm attached to.

So, I wonder…
- Why is that so?
- Why am I afraid of letting go of things?
- What am I believing and holding onto that is causing me to fear the loss.

:: I begin to get an emotional feeling in my chest—tightness—resistance::

 
- What is that?
Grief.
My body is remembering what it feels like to lose something.

The feeling of grief is hard. I don't like feeling that way.

- Perhaps the fear is really toward the feeling of grief rather than of the loss of the thing or person?

::tears::

My body talks to me in interesting ways when I do this sort of investigating… I ask questions out into the universe… to whomever or whatever is listening. I'll often get responses from physical sensations in my body—from someplace deep within. I feel a physical release when I touch onto something that rings true. The tightness I've been feeling around my heart has been loosened up, and my eyes have swelled up with tears. That usually means I've hit the nail on the head, and am looking in the right direction.

As I've learned so many times before, the things I'm afraid of are feelings…
Today I've learned that I'm afraid of the feeling of loss.

Now… I wonder…
- Why do I have this fear?
- What is it about the feeling of loss that is frightening?

I close my eyes and put my left hand over my heart and breathe…
I feel into my body… I imagine roots growing down into the core of the earth to center myself. I release attachments to egoic thoughts, and listen to the universe… listen to my body for any shifts, or thoughts that seem to come from somewhere beyond (they sound and feel different from egoic thoughts… more subtle).

I hear my body respond with the word "identified".
I understand it to mean that I've identified with the thing that is going away, and I feel like a part of me is leaving with it. So, when that thing or person leaves, I lose part of myself.

- But is that belief really true?
No. Who I am is not really what I'm thinking I am when I believe that thought.
Who I am is an infinite being, connected throughout all time and space with each and every thing that is manifest and un-manifest in this universe. I cannot lose any part of myself when anything goes away.

::That's comforting to remember::

What is your biggest fear?

More love, for all of us.

No matter how much you care for someone, and wish to see them well, it's not something you can do for them. We can't step into another person's shoes, and change their lives for them. Each of us needs to walk our own path, and each path is individually unique.

When someone we care for is hurting, and upset about the state of their world, what can we do? It may be clear to us what they can do to help turn their lives around, but we can't make them do those things, and if we offer these solutions as suggestions, we run the risk of trying to fix them, and end up pushing them deeper down into their hole, because now they're being judged as broken, too.

Some people end up running in circles, doing the same things, believing their same beliefs, and expecting different results each time, only to be let down even more, again and again when things stay the same.
These people are not broken. They don't need to be fixed. They don't need solutions that we think would make their life all pretty.

They need to be loved for who they are. We all do. Just as we are, with no changes necessary.

It's only by focusing on what we want in this world that it will manifest. By seeing a person as broken and in need of solutions that will fix their lives, we only keep them stuck there. More of the same, because that is what we are focused on. It's a dualistic point of view, and keeps us in a "them and us" mentality. It keeps the other separate—on the other side of a wall.

This is so easy to do, and we are all prone to it unconsciously now and then—we box someone up into a category of being different from us in some way. This is where internal walls come from—the walls that keep us separated and divided; the walls that divide the acceptable things from the unacceptable things.

When we can accept a person, or society, or the world—as it is, and love it anyway… to really BE in-love with it… we are unified, and it's only then can things really begin to change.

That begs the question… What is love?

Love is a word that our society has thrown around, with so many different meanings to each of us. The way I define love here is as a state of being.

Love is a place—a feeling—we can get to within ourselves. When we are there, everything seems right in the world. If we close our eyes and focus our attention on our breathing and are able to quiet our minds enough to simply BE… that is love. It's the state of being where thoughts do not interrupt the peaceful state of BEing. There is no longer a "them" nor an "us". It all simply IS.

When we can release the grip our thoughts can sometimes have over our mind, and instead allow the thoughts to float through without getting stuck, then we are not trying to fix anyone… Instead, in that state of being, where we are not identified with our thoughts, we are not identified with either aspect of the "them" or the "us" and therefore, they are both perfect just as they are. No fixing is necessary. No judging is present.

To be in this state of being (in love), and imagine a person, or society, or the world in there with us, is called "holding space" for them. Our intent, through our imagination, holds a space in love for this person to enter, if they choose to. But, whether they do or not is completely independent of the one holding the space. Whether they do or don't, either way it's perfect, because to the one holding the space, the person is there, in love, with them.

Does this help the other person? 
This is a common desire—to help the other person. While it seems all well and good to bring ourselves into a state of love, it may seem selfish to do so when someone we care for is in pain, and hurting. Our thoughts may tell us that it's not right for us to feel good when they are suffering.

Think of it this way: If we come across someone inside a deep hole, who is unable to climb out on their own, is it beneficial for us to jump into their hole, or to dig another hole beside them in order to help them out? No. It's not. It makes things more complicated, and now two people are stuck instead of one. It's better for both, if we lower a rope, or a tree branch rather than climbing down into a hole. 
When there is a wall that divides us, it hurts the people on both sides of the wall. Both sides feel separated and hurt—unable to mentally understand something about the other side, and stuck in a right and wrong sort of mentality. To compare it to the previous metaphor—they are both in a hole. When either side can transcend the wall (be in love), and see both sides of the wall equally, then they won't identify with one side or the other. That person can then see the place where another person is existing with complete acceptance and love.

Holding space for someone who we previously perceived as hurting simply provides an opportunity for them to climb out of their hole if they choose—it's like lowering a rope. And, as long as we continue to hold that space, and not become attached to whether they climb out or not, then our wall stays down and the ball is in their court to choose love. Choosing love is always a choice.

Helping a Sheep with Reiki

I had a really amazing experience today that involves Reiki. I’m being guided to share it with you guys. The synchronicity in life just keep coming up for me, and this one felt truly magical.

It began with a chaotic morning…

The sheep farm where I attend a knitting group had their “Shearing Day” today. On my way there, to help myself chill out and relax about the morning, I guided myself, out-loud, through a grounding meditation, where each of my chakras was balanced and aligned with its higher purpose… I called upon my guides, Reiki guides, angels, etc and asked them to work with me and through me today to maintain the balanced chakras, and whatever else would be in my highest good… I’m quickly learning that whenever they are involved with my life it’s truly amazing what happens. I’ve been more and more likely to remember to talk to them and invite them to work with and through me on a daily basis lately.

So, I felt pretty good by the time I got to the farm—not perfect, but better. There was a table inside with a sheep’s fleece spread out all over it, and there were a few women picking out hay, etc. I wasn’t sure where help was needed, or where I should be.

Someone mentioned that a lamb was born that morning, and I should go meet the lamb, and see what the sheering process was like… so I went out to the barn. At the barn, a sheep was just being finished getting her hair cut, and the fleece needed to be brought indoors… So, I brought it inside.
 
Once back inside, someone urged me back out to the barn… suggesting I watch the whole process from A–Z for one sheep. Back out to the barn I went… At this point, I felt pretty useless, and really didn’t know why I was there. They seemed to have everything under control, and everyone had a purpose already. I sort of felt in the way.

Itty Bitty

Back in the barn I’m introduced to Itty Bitty—a beautiful multi-colored Finnish sheep with dark brown and black fleece around her neck, and on her head, and a lighter brown fleece on her rear. She’s beautiful, and pregnant—about to lamb any time. I helped pick hay out of her fleece as she waited in line to be shorn, and I felt my Reiki turn on to assist in calming her. She nuzzled up her face to my cheek—it was the sweetest thing.

Picking hay out of Itty Bitty's fleece while
she waits in line for shearing.

(Disclaimer: this gets graphic… )
As she was being shorn, we saw a protrusion poking out of her vagina. To me it looked like the size of a lambs head… so I asked. It wasn’t the lamb. I guess it was part of the uterus. They said this happens sometimes before birth, when the body is stressed. I don’t really know the details… It didn’t mean the lamb was coming. But, it was big, and so, so red. It concerned me, but it didn’t seem to concern the others, who were more experienced at this, so I didn’t worry.

Then… as the sheerer is just about finished, the tip of the buzzers punctured this protrusion, and blood starts pulsating out of the wound. Everyone was really centered and patient with the process that unfolded thereafter. There was a former nurse among us who suggested we put snow onto it to help slow the bleeding, someone was there to apply pressure onto a towel over the wound, and a few of us held her down so she didn’t hurt herself. There was a LOT of blood. I was really surprised how well I handled seeing that. I’d never seen so much blood. It didn’t look like the blood you see in movies—it looked more watered down… it didn’t look real. I guess the sight of blood doesn't phase me.

The vet was called and had a half-hour drive before she would arrive. So, three of us sat with Itty Bitty—holding her wound, holding her down, and my Reiki was flowing… Immediately, I knew why I had arrived at the farm that day, and at that particular time—I was there to help Itty Bitty with Reiki.

At some point, one of the farmers asked if I was giving her Reiki. When I acknowledged, the energy around everyone in the room brightened up. There were lots of smiles, and it felt like Itty Bitty relaxed into it more too. It was like the acknowledgement from the farmer helped Itty Bitty feel more comfortable and allowing of the Reiki.

While laying beside her on the floor of the barn, with my hands on her belly, my heart burst open and the moment felt so perfect.

By the time the vet arrived the protrusion had returned back into her body, so she couldn’t access the wound, but it was still bleeding. Someone suggested a tampon-like solution… by this time, the adrenalin that initially rushed through me had faded and I was shivering from the cold. I had to go inside to warm up. The vet and a few others patched her up, and by the time I left the farm, hours later, Itty Bitty was standing and eating.

Inside, we began sorting through her fleece—it had to be washed right away to remove the blood from the parts that had been stained. It was a really intense experience to sift through her fleece, pulling out hay and finding bloody areas to rinse clean… I asked what they were going to do with her fleece, and expressed an interest in it. They asked if I’d like to purchase the fleece, and my heart lept.

The other farmer said she would finish washing it and have it dried so I can bring it home with me on Tuesday (knitting group day). From then, I can hand-spin it into yarn, and there is likely enough fiber for a full sweater.

This really will be an A-Z sort of experience… I saw this sheep shorn, had a magical healing experience with this particular sheep, and will forever have a piece of that to remember it by. I still feel the Reiki flowing through me into that sheep… the bond is amazing.