Judgement

I'm my own worst critic. I feel guilty when I eat something cooked, something with grain in it, or refined sugar… I judge myself for it, and then project those judgments into the thoughts of others—thinking that they too are judging me for the same thing, and I continue to feel guilty and ashamed. It's amplified if it actually appears as if others ARE judging me. I end up just diving deeper into a sort of self-hate because I ate something I *shouldn't* have.

For example, I just ate some cookies… some relatively natural cookies, without high fructose corn syrup or much of anything super terrible for me. But grain and refined sugars are 2 things that I've put onto the black list of foods that I shouldn't eat—foods that treat me poorly and don't love me back. So, now I feel guilty, and I feel like those around me look down on me for succumbing to eating them.

How do you all deal with this?

I think of the easy answer of "just don't eat the cookies". But that's so much easier said than done. Cooked food is an addiction to me, and it takes a LOT of will power for me to stay away from it. When I'm in a low-energy state of being, that will power just doesn't exist. It's like a downward spiral. I KNOW raw, living foods will give me the energy I need, but when I'm low energy, I don't necessarily *want* the energy. So I eat the cookies… then I get here. I'm hoping eventually I'll get sick of this cycle and stop hurting myself like this…

I'm learning a lot lately about how eating foods that don't love me affects my emotional state of mind. It's a rough process that I need to work through to fully understand. I'm slowly learning that eating foods that are not ideal for my body harms much more than just my digestion. I'm an integrated being—body, mind and spirit. What affects one, affects all 3 parts of the whole.

2 comments:

Alyce said...

You just have to learn to not attach such an emotional response to what you perceive as 'failure'. I'm not perfect at this, but I try to: acknowledge when I stray from my goals; not beat myself up for it; examine what led to the issue, and what an appropriate response would have been if I had been 'on top of my game'; keep plugging ahead. I also try to budget in some organized "cheating". Like when I first went vegan. I allowed myself to eat meat once a month, provided that it was organic, free-range & humanely treated. Half the time, I didn't even take advantage of my meat day. I felt less deprived, psychologically, just knowing that I had that option. Right now, I'm doing 1 cooked meal per week - this week, it's miso soup... Hopefully, that will help me!

Nicole said...

Hi! AGAIN....I'm right there with you! It's my bad habit to beat myself up. But at the same time, I don't want to get in the habit of rationalizing every time I eat something less than good, making it ok. Right?? I've heard of Alyce's idea of scheduling "cheat" days but I have not tried it yet. I am getting more in the habit of making green smoothies again, since my last comment to you. I definitely feel better knowing that I'm doing something good for myself. I've also increased my self-care which took a little budgeting. Can't afford $105 facials every week! But I'm trying to get a few more massages, even for 20 minutes. I think this really helps me feel better...like more treats for myself that aren't food! How about that? :)

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