What's my biggest fear? An insight into how I inquire within.

I recently attended an Intro to Shamanism workshop, and as I arrived was handed a paper to fill out. At first it had some pretty routine questions, but about half-way down the page I was stopped, and initially taken a-back by one of the questions. Now, given the nature of the workshop, it's not entirely surprising that this question was included. It's understandable that the instructor would want to ask it—not necessarily because she wanted to know the answer, but because I should know the answer. What was the question you wonder?

What is my biggest fear? 

Before I answered the question I looked inside myself and somewhat quickly went through a couple of ideas… really tried to tap into what I'm afraid of, rather than giving a generic, superficial answer.

I ended up writing something along the lines of letting go of things I'm attached to, and moving on.

It's been a few weeks since the workshop, and this question still lingers in the back of my mind. I don't think I answered it entirely accurately. It is hard for me to let go of things and move on, yes… but I don't think that's my BIGGEST fear. I know there's something deeper

I'd like to investigate into it by writing about it here.

Another idea that came to me when I was wondering what to write on the paper, was the fear of death. I initially skipped past it because it seems cliché to me, and somewhat of a surface fear that could use further investigation to fully understand it. 

A friend of mine brings up the "fear of death" pretty often, and I've begun to ask myself what that means to me exactly. I've done a lot of studying on death and the process of dying; where we go when we die; who we really are; what we experience between lives, etc…  and I've experienced personal ego-death from the use of psychedelics, and more recently through the combination of yoga/reiki/meditation. I feel I have a pretty comfortable relationship with the concept of death because of all these things, and I like to think I'd be okay with my own death, when the time comes.

Still, when it comes to the idea of others dying, I resist it. Perhaps this is related to the answer I wrote on that paper—I'm afraid of letting go of Earthly things that I'm attached to.

So, I wonder…
- Why is that so?
- Why am I afraid of letting go of things?
- What am I believing and holding onto that is causing me to fear the loss.

:: I begin to get an emotional feeling in my chest—tightness—resistance::
- What is that?
My body is remembering what it feels like to lose something.

The feeling of grief is hard. I don't like feeling that way.

- Perhaps the fear is really toward the feeling of grief rather than of the loss of the thing or person?


My body talks to me in interesting ways when I do this sort of investigating… I ask questions out into the universe… to whomever or whatever is listening. I'll often get responses from physical sensations in my body—from someplace deep within. I feel a physical release when I touch onto something that rings true. The tightness I've been feeling around my heart has been loosened up, and my eyes have swelled up with tears. That usually means I've hit the nail on the head, and am looking in the right direction.

As I've learned so many times before, the things I'm afraid of are feelings
Today I've learned that I'm afraid of the feeling of loss.

Now… I wonder…
- Why do I have this fear?
- What is it about the feeling of loss that is frightening?

I close my eyes and put my left hand over my heart and breathe…
I feel into my body… I imagine roots growing down into the core of the earth to center myself. I release attachments to egoic thoughts, and listen to the universe… listen to my body for any shifts, or thoughts that seem to come from somewhere beyond (they sound and feel different from egoic thoughts… more subtle).

I hear my body respond with the word "identified".
I understand it to mean that I've identified with the thing that is going away, and I feel like a part of me is leaving with it. So, when that thing or person leaves, I lose part of myself.

- But is that belief really true?
No. Who I am is not really what I'm thinking I am when I believe that thought.
Who I am is an infinite being, connected throughout all time and space with each and every thing that is manifest and un-manifest in this universe. I cannot lose any part of myself when anything goes away.

::That's comforting to remember::

What is your biggest fear?

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