Rough weekend

So, my mom was in the hospital the past few days and although I KNOW this is a period of time when I should be healthy the MOST, I just don't have the discipline or energy to step away from the comfort foods.

The past few days I must have consumed 1 or 2 whole Green and Blacks milk chocolate bars and 2 boxes of macaroni and cheese. I guess that's not SO bad, but it's the giving in and allowing the desire to run me that bothers me most about having eaten them. I don't generally feel that great afterwards either, so I'm not sure why I still consider them "comfort" foods. They make me feel crummy.

On the other hand I was able to drag my ass to a yoga class this morning. I had the intention of using it as mental strength building for my mom. She and I have always been somewhat psychically connected in ways we could never understand. I've felt sympathy pains from when she has knee pain so it's not hard for me to believe that my going to yoga must be helping her in some way too—whether it's mental or physical or spiritual, I don't know, but it feels good to think it helps. Even if it's not actually helping her, it helps me build mental strength so that I can be there emotionally for her. So, either way it's helpful.

Yoga totally killed me today. I didn't really want to be there but I knew I had to be. There were things that made me go, but the little kid in me was kicking and screaming. Luckily there's an adult in there someplace too who know's what's best. I knew it was going to be a struggle to really give it my all today so I got there early and was the only one in the nice warm room for a little while. So I stretched. I did the warm-up routine on my own so I was partially warmed up before we all did it together. It seemed to help some.

My ego did NOT want me to let go of anything. Of course I didn't realize it at the time. It wasn't until about half-way through the class after the bow pose that it totally checked out. This was actually the first time during a class that I've gotten into a mental space where nothing was going on. My body just MOVED... but it took a lot of kicking and screaming on my ego's part before it left. I just didn't give into it. Kept going—in and out of child's pose—and moving. After the second bow I almost threw up, took a deep breath and reminded myself that "it's for mom" and pulled back into whichever pose was next. From that point on I felt like my body was just doing as instructed without any mind... which was beautiful. Then there was half pigeon. Every class I've had physical issues doing this. This time my ego came back during the quiet peace of the silence in the room, and I started crying. I couldn't totally pull it together again after that, but luckily it's all easy stretches and relaxing poses from then on.

I really feel like the yoga helped me release something mental and it wasn't just physical exercise this time. It did something. I can't wait to go back. I'm wondering if J. might be interested in the Fundamentals class tomorrow night. I'm down.


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